Deceptive Cadence

I started an a cappella group last year with my friend, Kristen, and I just wanted to share the work we have done this year!
Here's "Why Do Fools Fall in Love" and "Shenandoah."



If you want to see more, search for UCI Deceptive Cadence on youtube, our entire concert will be up soon!

Touched by an Angel

This evening my friends and I went out to dinner, and met a man named Stephen. He was walking by our table on the patio, and stopped to begin a conversation with us. In time, the conversation led to talking about faith, and God.

Faith, he said, is what will remain with you no matter what. You can take away our crucifix necklaces, and our faith will still be there. You can burn down our churches, and our faith will still be there.

The conversation turned into Stephen, Carla and I singing "Amazing Grace" in harmony on this busy patio filled with people. Everyone stopped and listened to words that I needed to hear right now, and words that were heard by everybody on that patio today.

As he was leaving, he left each of my friends with a thought, such as telling Carla that she is full of wisdom. He skipped over me, but as he began walking away, he turned around to say -

"You're gonna be a really good mother one day."

I cried immediately and for some reason knew this man was an angel. At least for me. I guess an "angel" doesn't really need to be an angel sent from heaven, disguised as a human being to send a message from God. An angel can be a real person, allowing God to speak through them. And for some reason, being told that I am going to be a really good mother one day was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. God knew that. It was a pretty silly thing that only He would know.

The whole experience was just extremely moving. I am just grateful that God sent a personal message that spoke straight to my heart today. I needed it.

Amazing Grace.
How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me;
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

When we've been there 10,000 years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less ways to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun.

For Future Generations...

My assignment in my Development of Theatre class was to write a brief essay telling what values I would want to pass on to future generations. I wish I could have written more, but I'm going to post what I am turning in, simply so that I can hold onto it. It's brief and pretty simple, but I liked thinking about it:

Joy is an indescribable gift that I want to pass on to future generations. To me, joy is not equivalent to happiness – it is more like hope. I believe that joy is knowing that no matter how dark life can get, there is always something to hope for and life is still absolutely beautiful. Joy is constantly striving to see this beauty in life and sharing it with the people around us. The gift of joy and being able to hold onto hope even through times of despair is something that I value highly and something I hope future generations will strive for.

Part of living a joyful life, in my opinion, is to find what one is passionate about. I hope to pass on the value of passion – of being excited about our talents, our relationships, our happiness, and especially the fact that we are simply alive. I want to pass on my passion for self-esteem, particularly in young women. Through my own experiences at an all-girl high school, I realized how beneficial this environment was in my journey to becoming a woman. I feel that few girls get to experience learning about their value as young women, about how beautiful they are, and about knowing who they are and being confident in that knowledge.

Furthermore, and most importantly, I want to pass on the value of family. My family is my biggest passion, and without them I would not be who I am today. I believe family is something to be treasured. Strong family relationships can give a person a wonderful childhood, which I think is priceless – all children should be able to live in innocence and joy. Family relationships are unmatched by any friendship, for family consists of the people who know you truly and deeply, and love you unconditionally. In my heart, the most important thing I want to pass on is the value of a strong family life and the joy, passion, and confidence that come from these relationships.

Wilson World - East Coast Style

I think I have had the best month of my life. It sounds silly, really, because nothing that exciting has happened.

Being on the other side of depression is an absolutely indescribable feeling. And by the "other side", I mean after it is over. I was going in and out of depression for four years. This summer I finally did something about it and thank God I did. Thank God.

It is impossible to explain what the past month or two have been like. The simple things in life have become so much more important and prevalent in my life. All that matters is that I have my JOY back.

When my family went to Arizona, we were driving through the desert in the darkness, with all the stars out. We all had our windows open and heads out, staring at God's greatness and this song by the Future of Forestry came on:

you have walked so deep a canyon, deep a canyon now
and in the end you know that you've been found
you're found
heaven sure fell hard upon you, hard upon you now
in the end you know that you've been found
you're found

oh, you belong now
oh, you are free

so open wide the arms you're given,
you're too alive to just stand still
open wide your heart as you breathe in,
you're too alive to just stay here

you wondered how your searching heart
your searching heart would roam
coming to the place that you'd call home
you're home

oh, you belong now
you are free

you're shaken up
awaken
you gotta live, you gotta love.

I started sobbing in the car. Silently, of course.
Sobbing because a month earlier, that drive would have meant almost nothing to me. Maybe I would have been crying about feeling bad about myself, or I would have been asleep, or I would have just not been in the car because I wanted to stay home.

But instead, I held my sister's hand and looked at God through those beautiful stars and soaked up the words to that song.

You are FREE. And you are too alive to just stand still. So open wide your arms, and open wide your heart.

I am free. There are days where I feel like I could explode inside, from how much joy I am holding onto. I wish I could have one of those movie moments where I stand on the roof and sing with my arms outstretched towards the sky, where the band is exploding and I hold the last note for an eternity, as the camera pans out and shows me on the roof and everything that surrounds me.

I think The Count of Monte Cristo was one of my Grandfather's favorite books. It is one of mine, as well, and my favorite quotation of all time comes from one of the last pages:

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexander Dumas

I am now at a point where I can thank God for the struggles that I have been through. I am thankful that I have experienced "what it is to die" so that I may enjoy life so much more and appreciate little things more than I ever could have before.

I'm here in Pennsylvania with my family for 2 more days. I initially wanted to take this trip in about April because life was getting too complicated. I wanted to leave my phone, my computer, and all ties behind me in California and just enjoy the simplicity of being with my family for a few days.

I realize now that I was meant to come here at this time. My cousin and I are staying at our aunt's house and have talked for hours on end about faith, and about how similarly we view life these days. Because both of us have felt "what it is to die" in our own ways - and we are now experiencing learning from that and appreciating how different life can be and how much joy we can experience.

My Nana and I have sat on the couches singing Fiddler on the Roof at the top of our lungs. Every. Single. Song.

I took my Aunt Anna May out to lunch and we just talked about life and got to really bond one-on-one. My two boy cousins my age (whom of course I love to embarrass) have spent time with me this weekend. One of them was already my friend, so we picked up where we left off and talked about relationships, work, and cars. I am not close with the other one, but I got him to blow me a kiss as he was leaving the other night. I loved it. My Uncle Yeppy took me on a drive through Valley Forge and we took pictures of deer and made up funny stories. He's also taking me to the city tomorrow. I got manicures and have had endless chats with my Aunt Janie, and have enjoyed every moment of staying at her house.

I have always appreciated my family, and truly adored them. But to really appreciate every moment, and every conversation, and every spontaneous song, and every laugh - I needed to get through my depression first. The beauty I see and the joy I feel when I am surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me is completely overwhelming.

I also can't wait to go home - everything feels incomplete without my family here, especially my Papa. I can't wait to be with him and my Mom and wonderful, wonderful siblings again.

I am so, so blessed.

And PS -- I found out that my uncle now runs races in a shark costume. I always tell people that my family makes me make so much more sense. It is so true.

Declare Victory

Declare: (v.)
1. to make known or state clearly
2. to proclaim
3. to state emphatically

Victory: (n.)
1. a success or triumph over an enemy in battle
2. the ultimate and decisive superiority in any battle or contest
3. a success or superior position achieved against any difficulty
4. success in a struggle against difficulties or an obstacle

I think it is time for me to truly declare victory. Looking back on the past six weeks - the majority of my summer so far, and my entire time working at my job - I feel proud of myself. I never knew how many challenges could be compacted into 42 days, but I have persevered.

I have had an autistic girl with no verbal skills say thank you in sign language to me.
I have had an autistic boy with very little verbal skills learn my name and read words like "comfortable."
I have had an autistic boy use the word "elated" because I taught him what it means.
I have gone swimming in the ocean and felt 10 years old, pretending that my kids were monsters and diving under waves with them.
I have gained confidence.
I have gained patience.
I have begun truly overcoming depression.

It is difficult to put my feelings into words, so instead I will just say that it is time for me to declare victory.

Freedom.

Growing up

I want to be a little kid forever.

Yesterday, I saw my friend whom I hadn't seen since December. We ran into each other at a Christian rock concert, which I went to because I had nothing else to do on a Friday night. It was a good concert, but I was exhausted after a week of teaching my class.

I was in a good mood because yesterday at camp, we had "Fun Friday"-- where we do relay races and play games outside. We were going to do a water balloon toss and other games, but we ended up just getting into a huge water balloon fight. All the kids ran after me with buckets full of water and I got completely soaked. All my kids played-- even one boy who just lies on a bench whenever we go outside. My assistant hit him with a water balloon and he joined the war. I dumped a bucket of water over his head and he started cracking up and chasing after me. So priceless.

We combine my class (Class E - the 14-17 year olds) with the class below us (Class D - the 11-13 year olds), for Fun Fridays and for games outside. The Class D kids are crazy, and I have a blast with them because they know I'm one of the "cool" teachers who will play freeze tag, and won't care if they throw me in the pool with all my clothes on. Because I'll just grab them and throw them in next.

I told my friend that the water balloon fight was honestly the most fun I have had in SO long.

He looked at me and sort of laughed and said, "You need to get out more."

The truth is, "getting out" and hanging out with people my age is nowhere NEAR as fun as playing with my kids at work. Whether the game be freeze tag or a water balloon fight or even kickball.

The amount of laughter, the smiles on EVERYONE's faces, and hey - the amazing workout you get, is priceless.

I love growing up and getting together with my friends and just talking and spending time together...
But I want to just get together with people and play freeze tag at a park. Or something.

I asked one of my kids who he admires for our self-expression class. He said no one. I explained what it means to admire someone - that it means you look up to them and want to be like them. He still said no one. I asked if it was because he was just happy with the way he is. And he said yes.

I admire THEM.

Their love, their innocence, their joy, their never-ending supply of funny things to say, their simplicity, and their youthfulness even at age 17 are all things I want to exude in my life.

I want to grow up to be like my kids.

What's life all about, anyway.

Today at work, we had our first rehearsal for the show we're putting on for the kids' parents.

It was an adventure, to say the least.

I never could have seen myself trying to teach singing and acting to autistic kids... but it was so much fun.

When I asked everyone individually if they like to sing or not, and everyone answered yes or no, one boy said to me:

"Well what's life all about, anyway?"

Truly the best quote I've heard in a very long time.

Sometimes I wish I could think that simply about things. Maybe that's what these kids have been placed in my life for. To teach me how to find joy in the simple things again. Because I haven't done that in a long, long time.

I find myself laughing a lot more at work these days. I think I'm letting go of my fears a little bit, and just letting myself love the kids just as much as I loved my kids last summer. They have such distinct personalities and it's going to be such an adventure to really get to know them over the last four weeks of camp.

Granted, I'm scared. Scared that I won't do the best job at being their teacher, but I need to remember just to have fun. Because to them, that's what a good teacher is. Someone who they can have fun with and who they can look up to.

It's time to be happy. Just because. Because I am alive. Because I have a great job with such supportive people. Because I am around kids who never judge me for a second and are the truest example of unconditional love and joy. Because I am around kids who make me laugh non-stop.

Well, what's life all about anyway.