Complete Candor.

I have always been an open book about my struggle with depression and anxiety. I struggle every single day with lies that permeate my every thought telling me that I am worthless. That I am ugly. That I am mean. That I have no friends, that I am alone, that I am not talented. It is the ugliest part of me, yet somehow I have allowed it to become the loudest. I have struggled with this for almost ten years, and I have been in therapy and have spent years working on myself and my issues.

But right now...God is just working on my heart in a way that makes it feel like it is completely ripping apart...in the most beautiful way. My heart, my wounded, aching heart, is falling apart and crumbling away to make way for a new one. A new one that is huge and full and ready to accept God's love.

God gave me the grace of feeling His love tonight. Not just knowing it was there. My heart almost can't take the feeling...His love is bigger than anything our human brains can wrap around, and my heart is throbbing with this experience of Love that is unlike any other.

When I feel the lies beginning to take over and I start feeling this emptiness...an emptiness that I feel will be filled with people's approval, their love, their friendship...I realize it is only in asking God to fill that void does it actually begin to heal. That is when the lies begin to quiet themselves and the Truth shines through.

I was driving home today, doubting every moment of my day. Did I sound stupid there? Did I overwhelm him? Did she think I was crazy? They must think I'm full of myself. That was such an ugly moment. Why did I say that? I really need to work on my pride. Am I crazy? Am I just insecure? I am an ugly person. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that.

Literally analyzing every moment of interaction with every individual, wondering if I said the right thing, if I did the right thing.

And I stopped myself mid-tailspin, just asking the Lord to take these lies away and fill my heart with the Truth.

And THIS is the truth.

I am LOVED. By the Creator of the universe. By the One who put me on this earth. The One who knows me, every piece of me. He loves ME. Every ounce of beautiful, ugly, struggling, joyful, faithful, sinful ME.

He is jealous for me.
loves like a hurricane, i am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and i realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.
and oh, how He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He loves us.
and we are His portion and He is our prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way
He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He LOVES us.

The Lord fills every moment with grace if we are open to it. Because He LOVES us.

We suffer and we struggle and we sin so that we would NEED grace. And God is there pouring it out every moment of every day, reminding us that He is standing with us, kissing us on the forehead, walking through every trial with us. He is carrying His cross while we carry ours.

We MUST carry our cross in order to experience grace. We wouldn't NEED grace if we didn't sin and if we didn't suffer.

So for the first time in my life, I accept my suffering and I accept my struggle as my cross.

It then becomes my path to grace.

A New Personal Record

I am officially working on three musicals at once.

When I was a little girl dreaming of doing musical theatre, I had no idea that my life would take me on a path where I would be able to work on multiple shows at once like this. I also didn't think I'd be music directing, directing, playing piano, or conducting.

(The secret is that if you do all those things, you get to be involved in musical theatre way more than if you only want to be on stage.)

I am just blessed that every day my work is filled with music. Every day of my life is about making music. How could I ever complain?

As I'm directing The Marvelous Wonderettes and music directing West Side Story, I got a call from my professor at UCI, Dennis, asking me to become a pit singer for CATS that's in the middle of its run at Musical Theatre West. The show opened last weekend but one of the singers got sick so he needed someone to learn the score in a day. I was very flattered that he called me so I of course said yes. It was such a fun challenge for me to have NEVER heard this music before, get the music in the morning and perform it at night. I LOVE it. Call me crazy. But the challenge totally excites me.

And it really was a blast just to sing. No one can see me, I'm wearing all black hiding in the orchestra pit. But it doesn't matter. I get to sing and make music and do what I love.

So I will enjoy the challenge of the next 2 weeks of working on 3 shows at once. Now I just have to cope with the exhaustion... But it's totally worth it.

The Lists Are UP...

I guess I'm officially a director. My show has been cast...and for the first time ever, I had to cast it. I don't have a director to answer to, or to pass off the final decisions to. It's all me. It's a weird feeling, and I hate hurting the kids who don't get the roles they want more than anything.

But when they DO get the part they want...the looks on their faces are better than anything I could ever put into words. Teenagers want to be grown ups so badly, but in the moment where they find out that they get the role they've always wanted...the child in them comes out and it's such a priceless moment. The pure joy is overwhelming and it's such an honor to get to experience that with my students. Especially when the joy is intertwined with complete shock and humility. It is humbling for me to watch my students learn and grow and achieve what they've been working towards for years. Goodness, can I say I love my job ENOUGH? I am so, so, so blessed.

I have never felt more myself...more at home and closer to God...than when I am with my students. Connecting with them, teaching them, learning from them, creating art with them. They are my joy and have taught me so much about perseverance, patience, hope, and unconditional love.

God is so good.

It is amazing to be writing this and feeling this excitement especially after the months I just went through, experiencing some of the biggest struggles of my life. We must endure those times to make these so poignant and beautiful. I love my kids. I love that they stood by me during the most difficult time of my life and loved me anyway. I love that they got to watch me grow up. Really grow up. I love that they made me laugh every day, even when all I wanted to do was cry. I love that they waited for me to get through it with patience, even though they couldn't understand. And I love that I am back. That God has brought me back to life, and that my students are still here, loving me more than ever. And ready to just experience joy together again.

It's time to make some art. These shows are going to be phenomenal...I can't wait to start. I haven't been this excited in a very, very long time.

I'm back. Thank GOD.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

The Other Side.

I really can't believe that college was almost two years ago....auditioning like crazy and always worrying so much about what my teachers were thinking. Was the show pre-cast? Did they have any expectations about what kind of song I should sing? What would they think if I picked the wrong song? What were they thinking while I was singing?

I can't answer any of those questions for my teachers, but I'm on the other side of the table now and I know how difficult that side can be.

I completely understand the nerves and the stress that auditions bring. I've been through so many. I just know now that I want all my students to do their best, and to have fun, and I want to see them excel. It is so strange that the power is placed in Brittany's and my hands and that they get nervous to sing in front of us. They are my babies and I just want them to have fun.

So...here we go, my 6th show at SOCSA...West Side Story is going to be quite the adventure. I am still learning how to play it on the piano so this should be very interesting. (It is literally the hardest score I have ever seen.)

I'm also directing my first show ever, The Marvelous Wonderettes. I am so excited to be gaining more responsibility and to finally be directing. It's something I've wanted to try forever and I finally get my chance. Here's to a new semester...I can't wait to see what we all learn.