A Year in Review -- Part 2

My New Year's Eve was spent with my dear friends from high school at Phil Hoffman's house. For reasons that are beyond putting into words, it was one of the greatest nights of my life. I got to spend it with my friends that I have had for years -- & the night was filled with laughter, dancing, and still feeling like the teenagers we used to be while realizing we are growing up together and heralding in a new year. It was such a joyful night spent with people that I adore.


These pictures are the best representation I can give on how much fun this night was. The second one is my absolute favorite picture of all of us girls on Phil's truck, who all came over for a sleepover at my house after leaving Phil's. Kelly, Michelle, and I stayed up into the morning, talking about 2007 and the spiritual journey we had all been on. We brought in 2008 by ending our conversation with a prayer & dedicating the year to the Lord. I was moved to tears by the beauty in these friendships, and that I began 2008 in such a powerful way.

My Winter Quarter was lost in a flurry of rehearsals, way too many classes, and tons of playing piano. My friend Michael and I had decided to direct an independent production of Godspell together. Although we were very excited about our undertaking, we did not have any idea how much work this was going to take. I found a couple of my To-Do lists from this time in my life, and I don't really know how I did it. I was taking 21 units of classes, musically directing Godspell, running my a cappella group Deceptive Cadence, helping out at St. Thomas More on the CORE team, and sort of trying to have some semblance of a social life. I gave everything I had to my show - all of my heart, all of my mind, all of my time. It was a difficult process, where Michael & I learned a LOT about each other, and even more about ourselves. I realized how much I give to other people - most of the time, until I have nothing left. Two 20-year-olds directing Godspell was beyond difficult, and we tried every day to save a show that could have fallen apart completely. Luckily, we were given a phenomenal cast who dedicated everything to the show as well. The whole thing was a learning experience about directing, putting a band together, working with other people, teaching, and even about spirituality.

Our cast bonded on such a deep level because of the content of this show -- Christ's life, death, and resurrection. Zach played Jesus in our production - and because he is Jewish, he and I stayed up for hours every night talking about Jesus and what He taught. We watched The Passion of the Christ and read Scripture together, and the entire cast had constant questions for me about Jesus Christ. We even prayed together on multiple occasions. I felt the Lord moving through our rehearsal process and our performances, and no matter how challenging it was, it was so incredibly worth it.

Here is a taste of the show for you -- this is Zach singing "Save the People." I am playing piano, & you can hear just a tiny bit of my band in this song. Ricco Fajardo is playing acoustic guitar with me. I wish I could get a video of "Bless the Lord" up on here -- I am so proud of the music for that one, & my drummer (John Scott) and bass player (Zack Hillman) are featured in that. If a video ever gets put up on youtube, I will post it promptly!



This show was the essence of my Winter Quarter. Despite the stress and how much it drained me -- I am proud of my work & happy to have had the opportunity. God worked through a difficult situation and held our cast and our production in His hands.

Beauty and the Beast

I just finished another summer at my job teaching teenagers with autism. This year was fraught with challenges that I never thought I would be able to handle with the patience, understanding, perseverance, and love that were needed every day.

Every day I came home unsure what I was learning from all this. Why was I struggling so much with my boss and my co-workers? What change was I making in these lives? Why did I feel insufficient day after day?

I still don't quite know the answer to these questions. Maybe I don't need to know. All I know is I loved those kids. I love those kids. What difference I made in their lives, I may never know.

What difference they have made in mine will be something I will hold on to forever.

Right when my heart was about to give up on gaining anything out of this experience, the love of my life, Parker, proved to me that patience and love will reach these kids if you just give it time.

It was during music time that I began playing "Beauty and the Beast" on the piano for my kids, when Parker insisted I was doing it wrong. He pulled his chair towards me, reaching over me to play a few notes. What I thought was going to be some silly banging on the piano was the introduction to this beautiful song that is very dear to my heart. I began to play chords while he played the melody, and I began singing these words:

Tale as old as time, true as it can be
Barely even friends, then somebody bends...
Unexpectedly...

I was touched to the core of my spirit. I was in shock that this 18-year-old boy had such a musical gift that I never knew about, and that he was finally sharing it with me. I began crying, and by the time I got to the last lyric, I could no longer form words. Parker touched my forearm and looked at me sympathetically. He finished the lyrics I could not say, singing the final, "...beauty and the beast." He then went on to say, "Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime. Good night, love."

He then wiped my tears away, looked me in the eye and said "Oh, thank you."

I actually feel that music allows my soul to transcend my body and get as close to God as I possibly can. I can physically feel my soul leave in a way, so that it can dance around the sky and explode while my body rests, allowing my spirit to rejoice. It is something I cannot explain to anyone, but in that moment I knew Parker understood. Music was the way that his spirit could break free, as well. It brings Parker to life, where his autism leaves and his spirit takes over. When he looked in my eyes and said "Oh, thank you," I knew I was looking at the real Parker. The deepest part of Parker I would ever see.

I think in that moment, I was as close to God as I have ever gotten.

That one moment made absolutely everything worthwhile and I knew why I was there. Every struggle, every challenge, and every moment of impatience was worth it for the absolute sacredness of that one moment.

My soul still rejoices thinking of that day, and my body's reaction is to simply cry. I sit here and weep for the beauty that I have been blessed to see and experience.

It was not until later that my mother made me realize that in the eyes of the world, in that moment, Parker and I were "beauty and the beast."

In my eyes, he is the beauty.

A Year in Review

I haven't written in here in a long time, but I haven't forgotten about it. I've come back to do a year in review - to talk about the things I went through during my junior year of college. I've come to the conclusion that college is not about learning your trade, or declaring a major, or taking general ed classes to be well-rounded. There is value in all of those things, but I have come to the conclusion that college is about learning about yourself. Who you are, the way you work in relationships, what kind of friend you want to be, what kind of people you want in your life, what your passions are, how you handle your conflicts, what motivates you, what your goals are, and the things you want to change and the things you really love about yourself.

I am unsure just how to blog about my year and how much I learned, so I will try to encompass my year through pictures and some anecdotes, starting with the beginning - September 2007.

To be perfectly honest, my fall quarter started out horribly. In one week I got into a bad car accident and was betrayed by someone really close to my heart. I was in a daze for quite some time, not really understanding why either of these things happened to me. I'm a huge "cryer" and for the first time in my life, I was so stunned that I just couldn't cry. I could have died - in fact, I should have died in that accident, and I am so grateful I didn't. My tire blew out on the 405 driving home from school at about 5 pm right next to LAX. I was in the fast lane and spun out until I slammed into the railing on the right side. I don't know how it happened, but everything worked out so that I didn't even get hurt. There were about 5 cars going at least 70 miles an hour that missed hitting me probably by inches, and I landed in the shoulder of the road so no one could hit me. I also did not realize I wasn't hitting my brakes until about halfway across the freeway but I slammed on them in time to not collide with the railing too hard (hard enough to move my front bumper a few feet to the right, though). Although I was not injured, my car was, and so was my feeling of security while driving.

While I was still recovering from the shock of the accident, I found out this person I had allowed to come into my life and affect my heart so deeply had been lying to me for the duration of our relationship, which was devastating. I never cried or talked about it - I think it was too painful for words or tears for some time. I finally broke down one night while Zach stayed up all hours with me while I cried louder and harder and uglier than ever.

To this day I don't quite understand the purpose behind either of those incidents. I will never know why bad things happen or why people get hurt. In the midst of looking for an answer, though, I finally did something that I had been wanting to do for years.

I joined the Life Teen CORE team at a parish in Irvine, where I finally felt like I had found a spiritual home while I was at school. My first event with the group was Inspiration at Magic Mountain. I remember praying with thousands of people, mostly people younger than myself, and I realized I needed to take my life into my hands and make some serious decisions. It was then that I truly started taking my faith seriously and making it my own. I gave my heart and my life to God in a way I never had before - in total surrender. I knew that God's plan for my life was better than any plan I could think of myself and I knew that I could no longer hold on to my life so tightly. Once I finally opened my hands up to God and gave him my wounded heart, I felt the healing that I needed beginning inside me. With this healing and this knowledge that my life was now in God's hands, I began to live in freedom and was able to thrive in love and joy.

With this new joy, came wonderful days like October 22 - my 20th birthday.

My friends and I went to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe after which we came back to my apartment and watched Love Actually and baked cookies - a lovely way to spend a night with my girlfriends. On my actual birthday, my dear friend Amanda took me to Disneyland & California Adventure, where Zach and Laura joined us. After a few hours going on every ride and taking silly pictures, Laura and Amanda joined me in going up to Wilson World for a brief family celebration. It was so wonderful being with my family again, and bringing friends home to spend that time together. We had a huge family dance party, after which Amanda told me meeting my family makes me make more sense. I can't tell you how often I am told that after people meet my family.

The rest of my Fall Quarter was really beautiful, filled with joy and an inner peace I had never known before. With that, coming home for winter break was amazing. My siblings and I spent Christmas Eve singing carols as loud as we possibly could lying underneath the Christmas tree - which is louder than you think, trust me.My family brings me so much joy, as you can see in other posts I've made on this blog. It's nights like Christmas Eve that remind me of how unique my family is, and how amazing they are. They have made me who I am, and I truly adore them more than I could possibly put into words.

With that, I will conclude the first third of my year in review - fall quarter - the last few months of 2007. Check back for the rest of the year later, starting with New Years and the beginning of 2008. :)

Deceptive Cadence

I started an a cappella group last year with my friend, Kristen, and I just wanted to share the work we have done this year!
Here's "Why Do Fools Fall in Love" and "Shenandoah."



If you want to see more, search for UCI Deceptive Cadence on youtube, our entire concert will be up soon!

Touched by an Angel

This evening my friends and I went out to dinner, and met a man named Stephen. He was walking by our table on the patio, and stopped to begin a conversation with us. In time, the conversation led to talking about faith, and God.

Faith, he said, is what will remain with you no matter what. You can take away our crucifix necklaces, and our faith will still be there. You can burn down our churches, and our faith will still be there.

The conversation turned into Stephen, Carla and I singing "Amazing Grace" in harmony on this busy patio filled with people. Everyone stopped and listened to words that I needed to hear right now, and words that were heard by everybody on that patio today.

As he was leaving, he left each of my friends with a thought, such as telling Carla that she is full of wisdom. He skipped over me, but as he began walking away, he turned around to say -

"You're gonna be a really good mother one day."

I cried immediately and for some reason knew this man was an angel. At least for me. I guess an "angel" doesn't really need to be an angel sent from heaven, disguised as a human being to send a message from God. An angel can be a real person, allowing God to speak through them. And for some reason, being told that I am going to be a really good mother one day was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. God knew that. It was a pretty silly thing that only He would know.

The whole experience was just extremely moving. I am just grateful that God sent a personal message that spoke straight to my heart today. I needed it.

Amazing Grace.
How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me;
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

When we've been there 10,000 years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less ways to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun.

For Future Generations...

My assignment in my Development of Theatre class was to write a brief essay telling what values I would want to pass on to future generations. I wish I could have written more, but I'm going to post what I am turning in, simply so that I can hold onto it. It's brief and pretty simple, but I liked thinking about it:

Joy is an indescribable gift that I want to pass on to future generations. To me, joy is not equivalent to happiness – it is more like hope. I believe that joy is knowing that no matter how dark life can get, there is always something to hope for and life is still absolutely beautiful. Joy is constantly striving to see this beauty in life and sharing it with the people around us. The gift of joy and being able to hold onto hope even through times of despair is something that I value highly and something I hope future generations will strive for.

Part of living a joyful life, in my opinion, is to find what one is passionate about. I hope to pass on the value of passion – of being excited about our talents, our relationships, our happiness, and especially the fact that we are simply alive. I want to pass on my passion for self-esteem, particularly in young women. Through my own experiences at an all-girl high school, I realized how beneficial this environment was in my journey to becoming a woman. I feel that few girls get to experience learning about their value as young women, about how beautiful they are, and about knowing who they are and being confident in that knowledge.

Furthermore, and most importantly, I want to pass on the value of family. My family is my biggest passion, and without them I would not be who I am today. I believe family is something to be treasured. Strong family relationships can give a person a wonderful childhood, which I think is priceless – all children should be able to live in innocence and joy. Family relationships are unmatched by any friendship, for family consists of the people who know you truly and deeply, and love you unconditionally. In my heart, the most important thing I want to pass on is the value of a strong family life and the joy, passion, and confidence that come from these relationships.

Wilson World - East Coast Style

I think I have had the best month of my life. It sounds silly, really, because nothing that exciting has happened.

Being on the other side of depression is an absolutely indescribable feeling. And by the "other side", I mean after it is over. I was going in and out of depression for four years. This summer I finally did something about it and thank God I did. Thank God.

It is impossible to explain what the past month or two have been like. The simple things in life have become so much more important and prevalent in my life. All that matters is that I have my JOY back.

When my family went to Arizona, we were driving through the desert in the darkness, with all the stars out. We all had our windows open and heads out, staring at God's greatness and this song by the Future of Forestry came on:

you have walked so deep a canyon, deep a canyon now
and in the end you know that you've been found
you're found
heaven sure fell hard upon you, hard upon you now
in the end you know that you've been found
you're found

oh, you belong now
oh, you are free

so open wide the arms you're given,
you're too alive to just stand still
open wide your heart as you breathe in,
you're too alive to just stay here

you wondered how your searching heart
your searching heart would roam
coming to the place that you'd call home
you're home

oh, you belong now
you are free

you're shaken up
awaken
you gotta live, you gotta love.

I started sobbing in the car. Silently, of course.
Sobbing because a month earlier, that drive would have meant almost nothing to me. Maybe I would have been crying about feeling bad about myself, or I would have been asleep, or I would have just not been in the car because I wanted to stay home.

But instead, I held my sister's hand and looked at God through those beautiful stars and soaked up the words to that song.

You are FREE. And you are too alive to just stand still. So open wide your arms, and open wide your heart.

I am free. There are days where I feel like I could explode inside, from how much joy I am holding onto. I wish I could have one of those movie moments where I stand on the roof and sing with my arms outstretched towards the sky, where the band is exploding and I hold the last note for an eternity, as the camera pans out and shows me on the roof and everything that surrounds me.

I think The Count of Monte Cristo was one of my Grandfather's favorite books. It is one of mine, as well, and my favorite quotation of all time comes from one of the last pages:

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexander Dumas

I am now at a point where I can thank God for the struggles that I have been through. I am thankful that I have experienced "what it is to die" so that I may enjoy life so much more and appreciate little things more than I ever could have before.

I'm here in Pennsylvania with my family for 2 more days. I initially wanted to take this trip in about April because life was getting too complicated. I wanted to leave my phone, my computer, and all ties behind me in California and just enjoy the simplicity of being with my family for a few days.

I realize now that I was meant to come here at this time. My cousin and I are staying at our aunt's house and have talked for hours on end about faith, and about how similarly we view life these days. Because both of us have felt "what it is to die" in our own ways - and we are now experiencing learning from that and appreciating how different life can be and how much joy we can experience.

My Nana and I have sat on the couches singing Fiddler on the Roof at the top of our lungs. Every. Single. Song.

I took my Aunt Anna May out to lunch and we just talked about life and got to really bond one-on-one. My two boy cousins my age (whom of course I love to embarrass) have spent time with me this weekend. One of them was already my friend, so we picked up where we left off and talked about relationships, work, and cars. I am not close with the other one, but I got him to blow me a kiss as he was leaving the other night. I loved it. My Uncle Yeppy took me on a drive through Valley Forge and we took pictures of deer and made up funny stories. He's also taking me to the city tomorrow. I got manicures and have had endless chats with my Aunt Janie, and have enjoyed every moment of staying at her house.

I have always appreciated my family, and truly adored them. But to really appreciate every moment, and every conversation, and every spontaneous song, and every laugh - I needed to get through my depression first. The beauty I see and the joy I feel when I am surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me is completely overwhelming.

I also can't wait to go home - everything feels incomplete without my family here, especially my Papa. I can't wait to be with him and my Mom and wonderful, wonderful siblings again.

I am so, so blessed.

And PS -- I found out that my uncle now runs races in a shark costume. I always tell people that my family makes me make so much more sense. It is so true.