My dad's name isn't Biff.

I just want to take a moment to address the readers of my dad's blog. Maybe none of you will read this, maybe all of you will, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I need to get my two cents in, and that a comment just won't cut it.

My parents are my heroes. My father is truly the most amazing man I have ever known.

Do any of you who say such mean things and write such horrible comments stop to think about Tom's four children who are on the internet daily, reading daddy's blog, and seeing people say such awful things to him? Granted, I'm an adult, I can handle it, but what if my little brother reads those things? My dad is not a character in a movie. He is a father, a husband, and a man who works tirelessly to make my family's life as good as he can. And he does a fantastic job.

My dad made the decision that he would no longer sign anything from Back to the Future, and I couldn't be prouder of him. I was born shortly after the first Back to the Future came out, and therefore I have never known life without my dad being "Biff" to everyone else. I don't think I could ever explain to people how many times I have been walking with my dad and heard "Hey, McFly!" or "What are you looking at, butthead?"

I specifically remember going to a restaurant with my family, I believe to celebrate my sister's birthday, and a teenage guy came up to our table. He told my dad that he had a bet going with his friends that he was, in fact, Biff. My dad joked with him and told him he needed to get some money on the bet - so he came back with a 5 dollar bill. My dad told him he had won the bet, and signed the bill for him. Now, you can't tell me that my dad is rude, or ignores his fans. This teenager had just interrupted a family dinner, and my dad was kind and joked with him and probably made his day.

This kind of thing happened countless times. I have gotten autographs for my friends, I have been stopped by people on the street so I can take a picture of them with my dad, & I have been called "Biff's daughter" my whole life.

I remember my freshman year of high school, my science teacher would tease me and say she was only being nice to me because I was "Biff's daughter." I knew it was a joke, but being known as "Biff's daughter" gets old after a while. My dad's name is Tom, and my name is Mazie, and I have a lot to say and a lot to offer the world besides having a dad in an iconic movie.

My father is grateful to have been in this iconic movie, and I know he is happy that he means so much to people. My family could not be prouder of him for this. However, he has done so much more. He writes music, he paints, he sings, he plays the guitar (among other instruments), he takes care of his four children, two dogs, and wife, he does stand-up comedy, acts, writes, and makes people laugh everyday.

He is choosing to no longer appease the fans who only see him as one thing - "Biff." He will still take a picture with you. He will shake your hand. He will become your friend, and will sign anything else. But his name is Tom. And he is so much more than his character in a movie from 1985.

There is a time and place to let go of certain experiences, and I think it is time for my dad to let go of Back to the Future. He is not ignoring it altogether, nor is he discounting the experience as a positive one, nor is he insulting his fans. He simply can no longer be tied down by something that happened so long ago.

I don't think any of you will understand the impact this movie has had on his life and I think it's unfair for you to make accusations or to get angry over something you can't really grasp.

It is also unfair to compare my father with Michael J. Fox. Every actor makes his own choices, and they are all PEOPLE. Furthermore, Michael J. Fox is NOT known as "Marty McFly." I doubt his kid is known as "Marty's son." He is probably known as "Michael J. Fox's son." Still not great. But better.

In any case. I could not be prouder of my father. I think he is doing the right thing, and I know he doesn't care what anyone else thinks, but I do. I respect him more than anyone in the world, and he deserves your respect, too.

Please, be kind. He is not just a character from a movie. He is my daddy, and I will not just sit here quietly while people put him down.

I hope you can look past your selfish need for his autograph on your Back to the Future memorabilia, and realize the person that is beyond all that.

Thanks for reading. I guess that's all I have to say on this topic for the time being.

Mazie

Another Pre-Bedtime Thought

Singing with friends makes a bad day so much better.

Pre-Bedtime Thought

Moms are God's best invention.

Well, mine is, anyway.

Thoughts from an Almost-College-Graduate

This year has been an adventure. Fall Quarter was absolutely miserable, and I don't feel the need to share why. After spending months feeling sorry for myself, my car finally exploded -- seriously -- and I knew God was trying to get my attention. With my depression issues, it is so easy for me to give in to sadness for one day, after which it is so much harder to recover and begin choosing happiness again. In October and November, I gave in day after day. I gave up the fight, and it wasn't until my car blew up - I was literally driving in a huge cloud of smoke - that I realized it was MY choice to make a change. Happiness was not going to come knocking on my door, I was going to have to walk out my door and find it.

So I did. So far, 2009 has been a year of personal growth and exploration, and searching for joy and for love. I spent the first 40 days of the year on a personal fast and offering up my life once again to Christ. He took my heart and made it completely new, and for this I am incredibly grateful.

So far this year, I have composed a musical, Book of Tink, in 2 months. I wrote about 25 songs - I did not even know I was capable of composing so much music in such a short period of time, let alone teaching it, arranging it for instruments, and recording all the instruments for the show tracks. It was one of the most gratifying experiences I have ever had. The Prologue of the show was about 6 minutes long with 5-part harmonies and 17 singers. As the show was done in the round, the singers surrounded the entire theatre behind the audience members so the music came from all sides. Every night, we practiced the Prologue before the show, and I stood in the middle of the theatre to listen to my singers.

One night my dear friend Victor, who was an Assistant Director, wrote me a note that said:

"What does it feel like to stand in the center of your creation?"

I didn't have an answer then, but I think the best explanation I can think of is that I felt like I was standing inside out.

I literally felt as if my physical self was standing inside of my soul, rather than my soul being inside my physical body. This music WAS my soul and I had given it to my singers to express for me. I could not have been more humbled by the experience of hearing 17 people sing my soul back to me. There are no words for an experience like that.

Now that Book of Tink is over, I am putting my heart into another project, Songs for a New World. I am finally performing again for the first time since June 2008 in Reefer Madness. I have been so focused on teaching other people to sing that I have not sung for a very long time, and I am thrilled to get the chance to perform again. After this project, I will be in Little Women in May and June, playing Marmee. I could not be more excited about that - what a wonderful way to leave UC Irvine.

As far as my feelings about graduation go, I am pretty terrified at the moment.

I am not afraid of what is beginning; I am afraid of what is ending.

It is incredibly scary to leave a lifestyle I have known since I was 4 years old. For as long as I can remember, I have been a student. I have spent four years at a college that I love with friends whom I adore. I know that no matter how many friends I have now, there will only be a handful who will always remain in my life - and that just makes me sad. There are many aspects of college that I will not want to leave behind when I graduate.

I must interrupt myself, however, because while writing this, I re-read the title of my journal. Adventures in an Uncertain World.

How incredibly appropriate. In two months, I am leaving certainty behind and leaving for my adventures in an uncertain world.

When it comes down to it, I will miss college, but I am ready for my big adventure. I can't wait to see what the world has in store for me.

A Year in Review -- Part 2

My New Year's Eve was spent with my dear friends from high school at Phil Hoffman's house. For reasons that are beyond putting into words, it was one of the greatest nights of my life. I got to spend it with my friends that I have had for years -- & the night was filled with laughter, dancing, and still feeling like the teenagers we used to be while realizing we are growing up together and heralding in a new year. It was such a joyful night spent with people that I adore.


These pictures are the best representation I can give on how much fun this night was. The second one is my absolute favorite picture of all of us girls on Phil's truck, who all came over for a sleepover at my house after leaving Phil's. Kelly, Michelle, and I stayed up into the morning, talking about 2007 and the spiritual journey we had all been on. We brought in 2008 by ending our conversation with a prayer & dedicating the year to the Lord. I was moved to tears by the beauty in these friendships, and that I began 2008 in such a powerful way.

My Winter Quarter was lost in a flurry of rehearsals, way too many classes, and tons of playing piano. My friend Michael and I had decided to direct an independent production of Godspell together. Although we were very excited about our undertaking, we did not have any idea how much work this was going to take. I found a couple of my To-Do lists from this time in my life, and I don't really know how I did it. I was taking 21 units of classes, musically directing Godspell, running my a cappella group Deceptive Cadence, helping out at St. Thomas More on the CORE team, and sort of trying to have some semblance of a social life. I gave everything I had to my show - all of my heart, all of my mind, all of my time. It was a difficult process, where Michael & I learned a LOT about each other, and even more about ourselves. I realized how much I give to other people - most of the time, until I have nothing left. Two 20-year-olds directing Godspell was beyond difficult, and we tried every day to save a show that could have fallen apart completely. Luckily, we were given a phenomenal cast who dedicated everything to the show as well. The whole thing was a learning experience about directing, putting a band together, working with other people, teaching, and even about spirituality.

Our cast bonded on such a deep level because of the content of this show -- Christ's life, death, and resurrection. Zach played Jesus in our production - and because he is Jewish, he and I stayed up for hours every night talking about Jesus and what He taught. We watched The Passion of the Christ and read Scripture together, and the entire cast had constant questions for me about Jesus Christ. We even prayed together on multiple occasions. I felt the Lord moving through our rehearsal process and our performances, and no matter how challenging it was, it was so incredibly worth it.

Here is a taste of the show for you -- this is Zach singing "Save the People." I am playing piano, & you can hear just a tiny bit of my band in this song. Ricco Fajardo is playing acoustic guitar with me. I wish I could get a video of "Bless the Lord" up on here -- I am so proud of the music for that one, & my drummer (John Scott) and bass player (Zack Hillman) are featured in that. If a video ever gets put up on youtube, I will post it promptly!



This show was the essence of my Winter Quarter. Despite the stress and how much it drained me -- I am proud of my work & happy to have had the opportunity. God worked through a difficult situation and held our cast and our production in His hands.

Beauty and the Beast

I just finished another summer at my job teaching teenagers with autism. This year was fraught with challenges that I never thought I would be able to handle with the patience, understanding, perseverance, and love that were needed every day.

Every day I came home unsure what I was learning from all this. Why was I struggling so much with my boss and my co-workers? What change was I making in these lives? Why did I feel insufficient day after day?

I still don't quite know the answer to these questions. Maybe I don't need to know. All I know is I loved those kids. I love those kids. What difference I made in their lives, I may never know.

What difference they have made in mine will be something I will hold on to forever.

Right when my heart was about to give up on gaining anything out of this experience, the love of my life, Parker, proved to me that patience and love will reach these kids if you just give it time.

It was during music time that I began playing "Beauty and the Beast" on the piano for my kids, when Parker insisted I was doing it wrong. He pulled his chair towards me, reaching over me to play a few notes. What I thought was going to be some silly banging on the piano was the introduction to this beautiful song that is very dear to my heart. I began to play chords while he played the melody, and I began singing these words:

Tale as old as time, true as it can be
Barely even friends, then somebody bends...
Unexpectedly...

I was touched to the core of my spirit. I was in shock that this 18-year-old boy had such a musical gift that I never knew about, and that he was finally sharing it with me. I began crying, and by the time I got to the last lyric, I could no longer form words. Parker touched my forearm and looked at me sympathetically. He finished the lyrics I could not say, singing the final, "...beauty and the beast." He then went on to say, "Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime. Good night, love."

He then wiped my tears away, looked me in the eye and said "Oh, thank you."

I actually feel that music allows my soul to transcend my body and get as close to God as I possibly can. I can physically feel my soul leave in a way, so that it can dance around the sky and explode while my body rests, allowing my spirit to rejoice. It is something I cannot explain to anyone, but in that moment I knew Parker understood. Music was the way that his spirit could break free, as well. It brings Parker to life, where his autism leaves and his spirit takes over. When he looked in my eyes and said "Oh, thank you," I knew I was looking at the real Parker. The deepest part of Parker I would ever see.

I think in that moment, I was as close to God as I have ever gotten.

That one moment made absolutely everything worthwhile and I knew why I was there. Every struggle, every challenge, and every moment of impatience was worth it for the absolute sacredness of that one moment.

My soul still rejoices thinking of that day, and my body's reaction is to simply cry. I sit here and weep for the beauty that I have been blessed to see and experience.

It was not until later that my mother made me realize that in the eyes of the world, in that moment, Parker and I were "beauty and the beast."

In my eyes, he is the beauty.

A Year in Review

I haven't written in here in a long time, but I haven't forgotten about it. I've come back to do a year in review - to talk about the things I went through during my junior year of college. I've come to the conclusion that college is not about learning your trade, or declaring a major, or taking general ed classes to be well-rounded. There is value in all of those things, but I have come to the conclusion that college is about learning about yourself. Who you are, the way you work in relationships, what kind of friend you want to be, what kind of people you want in your life, what your passions are, how you handle your conflicts, what motivates you, what your goals are, and the things you want to change and the things you really love about yourself.

I am unsure just how to blog about my year and how much I learned, so I will try to encompass my year through pictures and some anecdotes, starting with the beginning - September 2007.

To be perfectly honest, my fall quarter started out horribly. In one week I got into a bad car accident and was betrayed by someone really close to my heart. I was in a daze for quite some time, not really understanding why either of these things happened to me. I'm a huge "cryer" and for the first time in my life, I was so stunned that I just couldn't cry. I could have died - in fact, I should have died in that accident, and I am so grateful I didn't. My tire blew out on the 405 driving home from school at about 5 pm right next to LAX. I was in the fast lane and spun out until I slammed into the railing on the right side. I don't know how it happened, but everything worked out so that I didn't even get hurt. There were about 5 cars going at least 70 miles an hour that missed hitting me probably by inches, and I landed in the shoulder of the road so no one could hit me. I also did not realize I wasn't hitting my brakes until about halfway across the freeway but I slammed on them in time to not collide with the railing too hard (hard enough to move my front bumper a few feet to the right, though). Although I was not injured, my car was, and so was my feeling of security while driving.

While I was still recovering from the shock of the accident, I found out this person I had allowed to come into my life and affect my heart so deeply had been lying to me for the duration of our relationship, which was devastating. I never cried or talked about it - I think it was too painful for words or tears for some time. I finally broke down one night while Zach stayed up all hours with me while I cried louder and harder and uglier than ever.

To this day I don't quite understand the purpose behind either of those incidents. I will never know why bad things happen or why people get hurt. In the midst of looking for an answer, though, I finally did something that I had been wanting to do for years.

I joined the Life Teen CORE team at a parish in Irvine, where I finally felt like I had found a spiritual home while I was at school. My first event with the group was Inspiration at Magic Mountain. I remember praying with thousands of people, mostly people younger than myself, and I realized I needed to take my life into my hands and make some serious decisions. It was then that I truly started taking my faith seriously and making it my own. I gave my heart and my life to God in a way I never had before - in total surrender. I knew that God's plan for my life was better than any plan I could think of myself and I knew that I could no longer hold on to my life so tightly. Once I finally opened my hands up to God and gave him my wounded heart, I felt the healing that I needed beginning inside me. With this healing and this knowledge that my life was now in God's hands, I began to live in freedom and was able to thrive in love and joy.

With this new joy, came wonderful days like October 22 - my 20th birthday.

My friends and I went to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe after which we came back to my apartment and watched Love Actually and baked cookies - a lovely way to spend a night with my girlfriends. On my actual birthday, my dear friend Amanda took me to Disneyland & California Adventure, where Zach and Laura joined us. After a few hours going on every ride and taking silly pictures, Laura and Amanda joined me in going up to Wilson World for a brief family celebration. It was so wonderful being with my family again, and bringing friends home to spend that time together. We had a huge family dance party, after which Amanda told me meeting my family makes me make more sense. I can't tell you how often I am told that after people meet my family.

The rest of my Fall Quarter was really beautiful, filled with joy and an inner peace I had never known before. With that, coming home for winter break was amazing. My siblings and I spent Christmas Eve singing carols as loud as we possibly could lying underneath the Christmas tree - which is louder than you think, trust me.My family brings me so much joy, as you can see in other posts I've made on this blog. It's nights like Christmas Eve that remind me of how unique my family is, and how amazing they are. They have made me who I am, and I truly adore them more than I could possibly put into words.

With that, I will conclude the first third of my year in review - fall quarter - the last few months of 2007. Check back for the rest of the year later, starting with New Years and the beginning of 2008. :)