A New Start... to Blogging, and to Life

Graduating from college is terrifying.

I was just reading different tips on how to start a blog, or what kind of things to write about. I guess the consensus is that a blog should be about something specific, which is something I like. Now, it's not like me to go along with what everyone else is doing, but I am usually lost as to what to write in this thing, so I'd like to try something different to inspire me a bit.

I think without even meaning to, I realized that my blog is about the adventures and struggles of a girl who has just graduated from college and has no idea what to do with her life. So there's my jumping point. Here I go.

Adventures in an Uncertain World.
Adventures with a B.A. in Drama from UC Irvine.

I am going to start by saying that I LOVED UC Irvine. I wrote infrequent posts about my time at UCI, talking about shows I did or what I was up to. I don't think I ever fully expressed just how much I adored my school and how grateful I was to be there. I made the greatest friends, and had become part of an amazing community of artists who supported each other and truly loved one another. Every day that was a struggle was also a joy, because of the love I was constantly surrounded by. At UCI, the Claire Trevor School of the Arts is separated from the rest of campus by a bridge (when the school was built they felt the artists were the most likely to hold riots...). We were in a safe haven, a place where we could be ourselves and rehearse Shakespeare outside, walk around singing, dressed in tights and leotards, where we all knew each other. The Cyber A is the central location - the little coffee shop where if you felt lonely, all you had to do was walk in and you would run into someone you knew. Sometimes I would walk in pretending I wanted water, just so I could see who was in Cyber A at the time because I needed a friend. Sometimes I would nap on the couches, or sit at a table memorizing lines for hours just letting friends come and go as their class schedule permitted. My favorite time was on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2:30 to around 3:15, when everyone would come to Cyber A before Cliff's 120 (Development of Theatre) class. Everyone was in this class, so everyone would gather to walk over together. My senior year I had already taken the class, but I would hang out just so I could see Rachelle and Perry and gossip about the happenings of the last few days, or so I could get a big hug from Andreas, or just be reminded that I am loved by any of my friends in line for coffee to make a feeble attempt to not fall asleep in 120... There was just always love in that coffee shop, the center of the Claire Trevor School of the Arts.

But now it's time to start talking about my new adventures. My adventures in this big world I am now a part of, where I no longer have a little Cyber A or a bridge separating me from the rest of the world.

I decided long ago that I would trust God to show me what He wanted me to do after graduation. I lived with my best friend Deidre for my senior year, who is very driven and prefers to have plans - so some days it was hard when people would ask us,

"What are you doing after graduation?"
And my best friend would answer, "I'm going to be in 42nd Street at Moonlight and in the fall I'm planning to move to New York," which I would have to follow with, "Yeah, I'm moving home and have no idea what I'm doing."

I still knew somehow that I was not supposed to have a plan, though. I was open to whatever God had in store for me - and I was taken completely by surprise and was incredibly humbled when I got 3 jobs in a matter of a few days.

Right now, I'm working at Dana Hills High School, music directing their production of Guys & Dolls. I have found it to be so incredibly fulfilling. I know I want to be a performer and an artist, but I have experienced so much joy in my years as a teacher. This is my first time working with kids without disabilities, and I thought that would make it more difficult for me - but I truly love my students and I'm having a blast. How lucky am I that I make my living playing piano and being a kid? Not to mention the director, Brittany, and I have become such dear friends and get along perfectly - what a blessing. The problem is, the school is a 2 hour drive away from my house. We don't need to delve into that. Let's just say I'm always tired.

Pretty soon I'll be singing at the concerts in the park summer series with the Pacific Symphony, after which I'll be music directing the ArtsFest art camp at the JCC in Orange County. I didn't apply or pursue any of these jobs, except for auditioning once for the Symphony - God has truly looked out for me.

What comes after August 13th, though? Who knows.

I have so much about myself and about life I have yet to figure out. But I'll share all that with you guys as I go.


Deidre and I, despite our different plans and paths, are ready to embrace the world with open arms.

The Things I am Learning as a College Graduate

70 year old women are just as catty as 20 year old women.

Honestly, that's about all I have to say right now.

The Lava Pit of Life

Last week I missed two days of work, and came back on Monday. After having an extremely rough couple of weeks, I really did not want to come back. The minute I walked into the theatre, though, my students raced towards me to hug me & tell me that they missed me. I didn't realize how much I had been aching to feel loved.

My one autistic student said to me:

"Oh, we missed you so much. Your music is like... like an angel's harp in the lava pit of life."

Life really is a lava pit, isn't it. I am humbled by the fact that my music can be an angel's harp amidst the chaos to someone.

Amidst my chaos and my pain, I have been blessed with my own angel's harp to remind me every day that I am loved. Thank God for my students.

My dad's name isn't Biff.

I just want to take a moment to address the readers of my dad's blog. Maybe none of you will read this, maybe all of you will, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I need to get my two cents in, and that a comment just won't cut it.

My parents are my heroes. My father is truly the most amazing man I have ever known.

Do any of you who say such mean things and write such horrible comments stop to think about Tom's four children who are on the internet daily, reading daddy's blog, and seeing people say such awful things to him? Granted, I'm an adult, I can handle it, but what if my little brother reads those things? My dad is not a character in a movie. He is a father, a husband, and a man who works tirelessly to make my family's life as good as he can. And he does a fantastic job.

My dad made the decision that he would no longer sign anything from Back to the Future, and I couldn't be prouder of him. I was born shortly after the first Back to the Future came out, and therefore I have never known life without my dad being "Biff" to everyone else. I don't think I could ever explain to people how many times I have been walking with my dad and heard "Hey, McFly!" or "What are you looking at, butthead?"

I specifically remember going to a restaurant with my family, I believe to celebrate my sister's birthday, and a teenage guy came up to our table. He told my dad that he had a bet going with his friends that he was, in fact, Biff. My dad joked with him and told him he needed to get some money on the bet - so he came back with a 5 dollar bill. My dad told him he had won the bet, and signed the bill for him. Now, you can't tell me that my dad is rude, or ignores his fans. This teenager had just interrupted a family dinner, and my dad was kind and joked with him and probably made his day.

This kind of thing happened countless times. I have gotten autographs for my friends, I have been stopped by people on the street so I can take a picture of them with my dad, & I have been called "Biff's daughter" my whole life.

I remember my freshman year of high school, my science teacher would tease me and say she was only being nice to me because I was "Biff's daughter." I knew it was a joke, but being known as "Biff's daughter" gets old after a while. My dad's name is Tom, and my name is Mazie, and I have a lot to say and a lot to offer the world besides having a dad in an iconic movie.

My father is grateful to have been in this iconic movie, and I know he is happy that he means so much to people. My family could not be prouder of him for this. However, he has done so much more. He writes music, he paints, he sings, he plays the guitar (among other instruments), he takes care of his four children, two dogs, and wife, he does stand-up comedy, acts, writes, and makes people laugh everyday.

He is choosing to no longer appease the fans who only see him as one thing - "Biff." He will still take a picture with you. He will shake your hand. He will become your friend, and will sign anything else. But his name is Tom. And he is so much more than his character in a movie from 1985.

There is a time and place to let go of certain experiences, and I think it is time for my dad to let go of Back to the Future. He is not ignoring it altogether, nor is he discounting the experience as a positive one, nor is he insulting his fans. He simply can no longer be tied down by something that happened so long ago.

I don't think any of you will understand the impact this movie has had on his life and I think it's unfair for you to make accusations or to get angry over something you can't really grasp.

It is also unfair to compare my father with Michael J. Fox. Every actor makes his own choices, and they are all PEOPLE. Furthermore, Michael J. Fox is NOT known as "Marty McFly." I doubt his kid is known as "Marty's son." He is probably known as "Michael J. Fox's son." Still not great. But better.

In any case. I could not be prouder of my father. I think he is doing the right thing, and I know he doesn't care what anyone else thinks, but I do. I respect him more than anyone in the world, and he deserves your respect, too.

Please, be kind. He is not just a character from a movie. He is my daddy, and I will not just sit here quietly while people put him down.

I hope you can look past your selfish need for his autograph on your Back to the Future memorabilia, and realize the person that is beyond all that.

Thanks for reading. I guess that's all I have to say on this topic for the time being.

Mazie

Another Pre-Bedtime Thought

Singing with friends makes a bad day so much better.

Pre-Bedtime Thought

Moms are God's best invention.

Well, mine is, anyway.

Thoughts from an Almost-College-Graduate

This year has been an adventure. Fall Quarter was absolutely miserable, and I don't feel the need to share why. After spending months feeling sorry for myself, my car finally exploded -- seriously -- and I knew God was trying to get my attention. With my depression issues, it is so easy for me to give in to sadness for one day, after which it is so much harder to recover and begin choosing happiness again. In October and November, I gave in day after day. I gave up the fight, and it wasn't until my car blew up - I was literally driving in a huge cloud of smoke - that I realized it was MY choice to make a change. Happiness was not going to come knocking on my door, I was going to have to walk out my door and find it.

So I did. So far, 2009 has been a year of personal growth and exploration, and searching for joy and for love. I spent the first 40 days of the year on a personal fast and offering up my life once again to Christ. He took my heart and made it completely new, and for this I am incredibly grateful.

So far this year, I have composed a musical, Book of Tink, in 2 months. I wrote about 25 songs - I did not even know I was capable of composing so much music in such a short period of time, let alone teaching it, arranging it for instruments, and recording all the instruments for the show tracks. It was one of the most gratifying experiences I have ever had. The Prologue of the show was about 6 minutes long with 5-part harmonies and 17 singers. As the show was done in the round, the singers surrounded the entire theatre behind the audience members so the music came from all sides. Every night, we practiced the Prologue before the show, and I stood in the middle of the theatre to listen to my singers.

One night my dear friend Victor, who was an Assistant Director, wrote me a note that said:

"What does it feel like to stand in the center of your creation?"

I didn't have an answer then, but I think the best explanation I can think of is that I felt like I was standing inside out.

I literally felt as if my physical self was standing inside of my soul, rather than my soul being inside my physical body. This music WAS my soul and I had given it to my singers to express for me. I could not have been more humbled by the experience of hearing 17 people sing my soul back to me. There are no words for an experience like that.

Now that Book of Tink is over, I am putting my heart into another project, Songs for a New World. I am finally performing again for the first time since June 2008 in Reefer Madness. I have been so focused on teaching other people to sing that I have not sung for a very long time, and I am thrilled to get the chance to perform again. After this project, I will be in Little Women in May and June, playing Marmee. I could not be more excited about that - what a wonderful way to leave UC Irvine.

As far as my feelings about graduation go, I am pretty terrified at the moment.

I am not afraid of what is beginning; I am afraid of what is ending.

It is incredibly scary to leave a lifestyle I have known since I was 4 years old. For as long as I can remember, I have been a student. I have spent four years at a college that I love with friends whom I adore. I know that no matter how many friends I have now, there will only be a handful who will always remain in my life - and that just makes me sad. There are many aspects of college that I will not want to leave behind when I graduate.

I must interrupt myself, however, because while writing this, I re-read the title of my journal. Adventures in an Uncertain World.

How incredibly appropriate. In two months, I am leaving certainty behind and leaving for my adventures in an uncertain world.

When it comes down to it, I will miss college, but I am ready for my big adventure. I can't wait to see what the world has in store for me.