i who have died am alive again today

I love being reminded of how much I adore being a teacher.

I found two audition songs for one of my students the other day that I was really excited about, but I had no idea how she would react. I got a text from her today exclaiming that these songs encompass exactly who she is and she couldn't be more excited to sing them. That made my whole day.

I love that one of my biggest (yet simplest) joys is helping my students discover new art and embrace it and make it their own. I love it so much.

In other news, I just got home from my huge trip to New York and Pennsylvania. I had some time off work so I took time off of my private voice lessons and went back east to visit my friends and family.

I have between 20 and 30 friends in New York now (no exaggeration) because they all moved to pursue their musical theatre dreams. I could not possibly be prouder of all of them and how hard they are working. It's been a big struggle for me, though, being the only one who stayed in California. I wondered at times if I was supposed to move, too, and if I was just too afraid to leave everything behind to pursue the dream I had for years.

I prayed repeatedly before I left that God would show me His plan...His desires for me. I wanted to know if New York was where I belonged or not. And He answered my prayer.

I am supposed to be here. California is where I belong, with my family and my students and a life that God has built for me that I am so blessed to have. It astounds me every day just how blessed I am and how full God has made my life.

Being in New York made me realize that I am not giving up my dreams...my dreams simply changed. And that's okay.

I have experienced this incredible sense of freedom since this trip - a freedom of knowing that God has a plan for me and it's okay that the plan does not include New York. I finally have this sense of peace about where I am in life and where God is leading me.

What a beautiful reminder to trust after going through such a difficult period of growing up. I am so grateful.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

I who have died am alive again today.

This is the birth day of life and love and wings.

Now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened.

I thank You, God, for most this amazing day.

Time for more.

My passion lies in teaching. I never would have known that I would be a good teacher, or that I would love it. But God put my students in my path and I fell madly in love with them. My uncle said the other day that if you start working with kids you realize nothing else could ever be as fulfilling. And it's true. Seeing the light bulb go on for a child - for your student - knowing that I helped them learn and grow has created a deeper joy in my spirit than I could have ever imagined.

But God puts desires in our hearts for a reason and I feel him tugging on my heartstrings to do more.

To sing.

I have spent years teaching other people to sing, and now God is telling me it's my turn. I feel it in the deepest part of my spirit, that this is what I am meant to do.

The hardest part, or the scariest part, is having no idea how. What the first step is.

But I just have to try. It's time to start.

The beautiful part is that I have my students, my job that I love, an amazing home to live in, and people to support the journey I want to embark on. I have everything I need... now it's time to take the next step.

2010 in Review

Well to keep tradition alive, I am going to do a quick picture-recap of my year. I never write in this thing so maybe it'll give you some idea of what my year was like :)

JANUARY:

New Years' Eve was spent at Happy Ending in LA...with amazing friends both from high school and college. Vicki and I kicked everyone's butts in beer pong and we met the most insane people and had the craziest adventures. It was the absolute best way I could have celebrated the beginning of 2010.

FEBRUARY:

February was my trip to Washington, D.C. to sing at the Kennedy Center...There was 3 feet of snow and many adventures to be had. And amazing friends who took buses through the snow to come see me perform...It was such a blessing and an honor and is one of my dearest memories of the entire year.

MARCH:

March was spent filming for our webseries "The Sunset Players." It was always stressful but always fun and I learned so much. We premiered on March 15th...Enjoy episode 1 all over again!

APRIL:

April was the month of 42nd Street with my high school kids. This picture captures the moment my kids told me they bought me a massage after I complained of my back hurting over and over from playing and conducting...I was pretty excited.

MAY:

I produced and performed in my first Cabaret at the Lounge with some amazing friends...It was probably one of the most stressful things I have ever put on my own shoulders but in the end, one of the most satisfying. It was such a joy to be able to give my friends an opportunity to perform together!


And my beautiful sister, Emily, graduated from Arizona State University! We took a family trip to Arizona without Gracie who stayed home for her senior prom...When did my entire family grow up?!

JUNE:

June was an incredibly eventful month with way too many graduations...starting with my little Gracie from Louisville High School.


And next was my brother Tommy from Our Lady of Grace. 3 graduations for one family...it was a crazy time but we had so much fun celebrating!


I can't forget that all my friends graduated from UC Irvine, too...This picture is all of us getting ready for the 2nd Annual Boat Party. That's right. I started a party that has now become an "annual" tradition. WOOHOO!

JULY:

This picture basically describes my life, but it was taken during my summer show, Once On This Island. That was one of my favorite shows I have ever played and I loved every minute of it.

AUGUST:

The 3 of us girls packed our bags and went to South Carolina for our friend Robert's wedding. I met the bride in the bathroom during the reception. True story. But Robert has been a dear friend since I was 15 years old, and it was wonderful traveling and seeing him get married. We had a Lord's Day during the reception and sang praises at the top of our lungs and danced all night. It was amazing.

SEPTEMBER:

September was back to school time. This is our back to school picnic picture - with 2 amazing students and my beautiful co-worker and dear friend, Brittany. We had just finished casting Little Women and had no idea what a big project we had just embarked on.

OCTOBER:

This is the obligatory choir retreat photo...I chaperoned again and had endless adventures with my kids. We stayed up all night with the lights out as I told scary stories and made all my girls scream. I had to protect them from tarantulas, and boys wearing clown masks and throwing shaving cream in each other's faces. I had to yell a lot but secretly I was having a blast...I love being a teacher.

NOVEMBER:

November began with the loss of my beautiful grandmother, Wayo. Very poignantly she went home to God on All Saint's Day. Rest in peace, sweet Wayo.

This was probably the most difficult month of my year. I played and conducted You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and felt like I couldn't breathe due to stress and anxiety. I was in rehearsal for Little Women, and during all of this, due to personal differences my roommate and I moved out of our apartment. I lived with family friends for this entire month and it was so beautiful and lovely...It was so selfless of them and I experienced more love than I had in a very long time. They were my guardian angels. Thank God for them.

DECEMBER:
There are absolutely no pictures of me doing Little Women. While it was never as stressful as Charlie Brown, it was still an emotional roller coaster and I held my breath through most of it.


I sang in the 3-year anniversary show and possible closing of Caffeinated Cabaret, run by my dear friend Jordan. It was an honor and a joy to sing Christmas songs with so many dear friends at such a special event.

And finally...


I came home to Wilson World for Christmas and celebrated with all of our traditions, like making a million cookies...and eating them all. It has been beautiful being home. And yes, we spent Christmas Eve in the back of our mom's van singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs just like last year. We also added on classics like "Take a Bow" and "Single Ladies" just for kicks. People loved it.

So long, 2010. As much as these pictures hold beautiful and wonderful memories, the second half of this year was very, very difficult for me. I am so ready to let go and start over. It is time for new beginning and this girl is so excited. 2011, let's go.

Ramblings. Sort of like...Life Bullet Points.

I adore my job. I actually feel I am not spending enough time at work right now. I wish I could be there for hours upon hours, working with my kids and making music.

I am music directing two shows at once...With the jobs that I currently have, I seriously do something new...something I never thought I would be capable of...every couple of months. I really am grateful that I am constantly being pushed. And when I think I cannot be pushed any further, something new always comes up.

I am now on the search for a band for You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I get to pick my bandmates, choose how much they will be paid, hold rehearsals for them, and conduct the entire run of the show. I was given orchestrations today and I had to look over them...I had a moment where I thought to myself, "Why did they hand me these? I have no idea what to do with them." And then I looked at them. And I understood them. And now I have to find musicians that I want to give a job to. How did that happen?

The world has called all of my best friends into different corners of the world. My best friend Deidre is doing Hairspray on the opposite side of the country right now and it literally breaks my heart every day that I can't be there to see her. My adopted brother and amazing best friend David is in Jamaica. He is in the Novitiate to become a Jesuit priest and he is doing missionary work and teaching over there. It's his birthday today and I wish I could celebrate with him. He is a constant inspiration to me.

Thankfully, California has enticed a couple friends to return to my embrace...Zach and Colleen. Colleen and I, as best friends do, sat on her bed and wept and laughed for hours last night, sharing every single detail of every story we could think of that has happened since the last time we were together. And Zach, my sweet Zach, has already spent the night, made me lunch, let me cry, watched TV mindlessly, laughed hysterically, and gossiped endlessly with me. Even though New York stole him for a couple years, nothing has changed. I am so blessed.

And I have kitties chasing each other around my apartment. Recently I have been feeling stuck. Perhaps even a little suffocated. But I can't help but laugh hysterically as I watch my cats trip over each other and wrestle.

I always go to Charlie Brown rehearsals right after Little Women, so I'm always tired. One day my student brought me a Diet Coke because he knew I would need a pick-me-up.

I always cry when my Meg & John Brooke sing "More Than I Am", and my student repeatedly tells me how sweet I am. I feel like the things that make me the biggest dork are the things that my students love the most about me.

I like being a music director better than I like performing. Performers never get to HEAR the chord they are singing. Not really. I do. I get to sit right in the middle of it and physically feel it vibrate through my entire body and my spirit. I get to have music sung at me and to me and through me. And I get to maneuver it and shape it and form it and make it art.

Ramblings. Life Bullet Points.

I think that's it for now.

Goodbye, Old Girl.

Dear Frisky,

I know everyone says their dog is the best dog ever. But I think I win. I had the cutest, smartest, sweetest dog in the whole world.

I will never forget being 10 years old and going to the mall just to get lunch. Thank goodness I was enough of a brat to beg for a puppy we saw at the rescue right next to the door. We all stopped to look at the cute little black and white puppies, and I got to hold your brother for a good half hour. I fell in love with him and begged and begged to bring him home. Little did I know that while I was falling in love with him, my mom was falling in love with you. Even so, we left without a dog. I moped around the entire day, angry at everyone because all I wanted was a dog. Next thing I knew, my dad walked in and told me I had forgotten my jacket in his car....And my entire life was changed when I saw a little puppy paw sticking out of the sleeve.

It took us days to name you. Emily didn't come home from Girl Scout camp until Monday, and none of us could agree. We finally decided on Frisky, the name of our dad's first dog. We didn't think it was too appropriate because you seemed so demure and sweet. Either you rose to the occasion and grew into your name, or we predicted the future because you were the rowdiest puppy in the world. You bit everything you could get your mouth on, including all of us. You ran faster than any dog we had ever seen, and jumped over anything as if you were trained in running obstacle courses.

The day I fell head over heels in love was when I was sitting out by the pool and all of a sudden, my 3-month-old puppy jumped onto the pool cover. I thought for sure you would fall in the pool and be in for a shock of cold water, but you ran right across that pool cover and never fell in. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. You figured out what a fun game that was and ran until you got too big. Then the pool days began.

You LOVED that pool. The minute you smelled sun block, your tail would start wagging and you would get so excited, like days at the pool were the best days you could have ever asked for. You would jump in with all of us, swimming laps and staying in the water to keep cool in the California heat. Pretty soon "Frisky, in the pool!" was a common command, and you would come flying into the water. You would jump so far we almost thought you could make it to the other side. We loved sending you off the diving board and seeing how far you could make it. We should have let you compete in that...you would have loved it.

You also protected us from anything you thought could put us in danger. I will never forget when Uncle Bri was wrestling me in the kitchen, pretending to tackle me, but you wouldn't even let him come near me! You love Uncle Bri but right when he started playing rough, you came right in to the rescue. I always felt safe when you were around. We loved having a sheep dog, because we became your sheep and your job was to protect us. I also loved when we would bike around our back yard, and you would nip at our heels to try and herd us into one spot to be safe. We hated having scratches on our heels but we loved being your sheep.

Not only did I get to be a little kid with you - I got to be a teenager with you. You were there so many nights when all I could do was cry. It may have been silly, but you were the one who had to listen to all my secrets and teenage drama. You weren't the cuddliest dog - you were a working dog - but you knew the nights when you just had to lie with me and lick my face. You were my confidante and my friend, and I will never forget those nights.

Then, on my 17th birthday, Cookie came into our lives. You hated that little puppy. She was the new center of attention and she was breaking all the rules you knew so well...biting and chewing on everything, never sleeping, always wanting to play. You were such a grumpy girl for a while, and I hated Cookie for it. I loved you so much that I hated this little puppy that annoyed you so immensely. (We all know we fell in love with her after a while.) You were a great big sister to her and she misses you more than anyone else.

It has been almost a month, and I still miss your kisses and rubbing your belly. I am really glad that even though we weren't allowed to have you sleep in our beds, I had a sleepover with you once. I slept in the den one 4th of July to keep you feeling safe from fireworks and you got right onto the air mattress with me and slept with your head resting on my hip. That was one of my favorite nights ever. You were never the most affectionate dog, but that night you snuggled up to me because you were so afraid. I soaked up every moment.

The thing we girls will miss the most is jacuzzi nights. Every time we had a girls night and put on our bathing suits for a jacuzzi, you would get so excited and sit with us the entire night, as if you were enjoying listening to all the gossip right along with us. You would lick all the chlorine off our faces and give endless kisses as we laughed hysterically. Jacuzzi nights aren't the same anymore without you, dear friend.

I love you and I miss you, and Wilson World will never be the same without you. I'll see you again someday, my puppy.

Love,
Anna May

Emily Marie.

This little girl...



...was born when I was 1 1/2 years old. (I don't remember a single day without her.)

This little girl...



...is not only my little sister. She is my twin, in every way.

This little girl...



...is not so little anymore.

My baby sister, my twin, my brudder, is graduating from college tomorrow. I couldn't be prouder of her...she did it in three years, my friends. A 20-year-old college graduate, ready to take on the world.

My brudder, I adore you and I can't wait to celebrate with you tomorrow!



Thank you for being my best friend.

"When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder, who stands a chance against us?" -Pam Brown

A Milestone.

I just conducted a 20-piece orchestra in an entire musical while playing the piano.

I wish there were words to describe how I am feeling... I don't really think anyone could understand how huge this is for me, and what a huge fear I have overcome.

I cried on my way home, because amidst the chaos and stress of the last month, I just did something that I have never done before. Something I was always too afraid to try - because I thought I was incapable.

And I did it. And even better than that... I did it well.

I rarely say "I am proud of myself." But tonight, I am. I am so proud of myself.

And I am so proud of my students. They are my laughter, my sanity, and my joy.

And I have realized they know me better than most people in my life, and love me unconditionally and more deeply and openly than I have ever thought was possible. I am humbled every day at how loved I feel when I come home from work.

Is that not ridiculous? I come home from working feeling loved.

I am so, so blessed.