Complete Candor.

I have always been an open book about my struggle with depression and anxiety. I struggle every single day with lies that permeate my every thought telling me that I am worthless. That I am ugly. That I am mean. That I have no friends, that I am alone, that I am not talented. It is the ugliest part of me, yet somehow I have allowed it to become the loudest. I have struggled with this for almost ten years, and I have been in therapy and have spent years working on myself and my issues.

But right now...God is just working on my heart in a way that makes it feel like it is completely ripping apart...in the most beautiful way. My heart, my wounded, aching heart, is falling apart and crumbling away to make way for a new one. A new one that is huge and full and ready to accept God's love.

God gave me the grace of feeling His love tonight. Not just knowing it was there. My heart almost can't take the feeling...His love is bigger than anything our human brains can wrap around, and my heart is throbbing with this experience of Love that is unlike any other.

When I feel the lies beginning to take over and I start feeling this emptiness...an emptiness that I feel will be filled with people's approval, their love, their friendship...I realize it is only in asking God to fill that void does it actually begin to heal. That is when the lies begin to quiet themselves and the Truth shines through.

I was driving home today, doubting every moment of my day. Did I sound stupid there? Did I overwhelm him? Did she think I was crazy? They must think I'm full of myself. That was such an ugly moment. Why did I say that? I really need to work on my pride. Am I crazy? Am I just insecure? I am an ugly person. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that.

Literally analyzing every moment of interaction with every individual, wondering if I said the right thing, if I did the right thing.

And I stopped myself mid-tailspin, just asking the Lord to take these lies away and fill my heart with the Truth.

And THIS is the truth.

I am LOVED. By the Creator of the universe. By the One who put me on this earth. The One who knows me, every piece of me. He loves ME. Every ounce of beautiful, ugly, struggling, joyful, faithful, sinful ME.

He is jealous for me.
loves like a hurricane, i am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and i realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.
and oh, how He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He loves us.
and we are His portion and He is our prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way
He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He LOVES us.

The Lord fills every moment with grace if we are open to it. Because He LOVES us.

We suffer and we struggle and we sin so that we would NEED grace. And God is there pouring it out every moment of every day, reminding us that He is standing with us, kissing us on the forehead, walking through every trial with us. He is carrying His cross while we carry ours.

We MUST carry our cross in order to experience grace. We wouldn't NEED grace if we didn't sin and if we didn't suffer.

So for the first time in my life, I accept my suffering and I accept my struggle as my cross.

It then becomes my path to grace.

A New Personal Record

I am officially working on three musicals at once.

When I was a little girl dreaming of doing musical theatre, I had no idea that my life would take me on a path where I would be able to work on multiple shows at once like this. I also didn't think I'd be music directing, directing, playing piano, or conducting.

(The secret is that if you do all those things, you get to be involved in musical theatre way more than if you only want to be on stage.)

I am just blessed that every day my work is filled with music. Every day of my life is about making music. How could I ever complain?

As I'm directing The Marvelous Wonderettes and music directing West Side Story, I got a call from my professor at UCI, Dennis, asking me to become a pit singer for CATS that's in the middle of its run at Musical Theatre West. The show opened last weekend but one of the singers got sick so he needed someone to learn the score in a day. I was very flattered that he called me so I of course said yes. It was such a fun challenge for me to have NEVER heard this music before, get the music in the morning and perform it at night. I LOVE it. Call me crazy. But the challenge totally excites me.

And it really was a blast just to sing. No one can see me, I'm wearing all black hiding in the orchestra pit. But it doesn't matter. I get to sing and make music and do what I love.

So I will enjoy the challenge of the next 2 weeks of working on 3 shows at once. Now I just have to cope with the exhaustion... But it's totally worth it.

The Lists Are UP...

I guess I'm officially a director. My show has been cast...and for the first time ever, I had to cast it. I don't have a director to answer to, or to pass off the final decisions to. It's all me. It's a weird feeling, and I hate hurting the kids who don't get the roles they want more than anything.

But when they DO get the part they want...the looks on their faces are better than anything I could ever put into words. Teenagers want to be grown ups so badly, but in the moment where they find out that they get the role they've always wanted...the child in them comes out and it's such a priceless moment. The pure joy is overwhelming and it's such an honor to get to experience that with my students. Especially when the joy is intertwined with complete shock and humility. It is humbling for me to watch my students learn and grow and achieve what they've been working towards for years. Goodness, can I say I love my job ENOUGH? I am so, so, so blessed.

I have never felt more myself...more at home and closer to God...than when I am with my students. Connecting with them, teaching them, learning from them, creating art with them. They are my joy and have taught me so much about perseverance, patience, hope, and unconditional love.

God is so good.

It is amazing to be writing this and feeling this excitement especially after the months I just went through, experiencing some of the biggest struggles of my life. We must endure those times to make these so poignant and beautiful. I love my kids. I love that they stood by me during the most difficult time of my life and loved me anyway. I love that they got to watch me grow up. Really grow up. I love that they made me laugh every day, even when all I wanted to do was cry. I love that they waited for me to get through it with patience, even though they couldn't understand. And I love that I am back. That God has brought me back to life, and that my students are still here, loving me more than ever. And ready to just experience joy together again.

It's time to make some art. These shows are going to be phenomenal...I can't wait to start. I haven't been this excited in a very, very long time.

I'm back. Thank GOD.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

The Other Side.

I really can't believe that college was almost two years ago....auditioning like crazy and always worrying so much about what my teachers were thinking. Was the show pre-cast? Did they have any expectations about what kind of song I should sing? What would they think if I picked the wrong song? What were they thinking while I was singing?

I can't answer any of those questions for my teachers, but I'm on the other side of the table now and I know how difficult that side can be.

I completely understand the nerves and the stress that auditions bring. I've been through so many. I just know now that I want all my students to do their best, and to have fun, and I want to see them excel. It is so strange that the power is placed in Brittany's and my hands and that they get nervous to sing in front of us. They are my babies and I just want them to have fun.

So...here we go, my 6th show at SOCSA...West Side Story is going to be quite the adventure. I am still learning how to play it on the piano so this should be very interesting. (It is literally the hardest score I have ever seen.)

I'm also directing my first show ever, The Marvelous Wonderettes. I am so excited to be gaining more responsibility and to finally be directing. It's something I've wanted to try forever and I finally get my chance. Here's to a new semester...I can't wait to see what we all learn.

i who have died am alive again today

I love being reminded of how much I adore being a teacher.

I found two audition songs for one of my students the other day that I was really excited about, but I had no idea how she would react. I got a text from her today exclaiming that these songs encompass exactly who she is and she couldn't be more excited to sing them. That made my whole day.

I love that one of my biggest (yet simplest) joys is helping my students discover new art and embrace it and make it their own. I love it so much.

In other news, I just got home from my huge trip to New York and Pennsylvania. I had some time off work so I took time off of my private voice lessons and went back east to visit my friends and family.

I have between 20 and 30 friends in New York now (no exaggeration) because they all moved to pursue their musical theatre dreams. I could not possibly be prouder of all of them and how hard they are working. It's been a big struggle for me, though, being the only one who stayed in California. I wondered at times if I was supposed to move, too, and if I was just too afraid to leave everything behind to pursue the dream I had for years.

I prayed repeatedly before I left that God would show me His plan...His desires for me. I wanted to know if New York was where I belonged or not. And He answered my prayer.

I am supposed to be here. California is where I belong, with my family and my students and a life that God has built for me that I am so blessed to have. It astounds me every day just how blessed I am and how full God has made my life.

Being in New York made me realize that I am not giving up my dreams...my dreams simply changed. And that's okay.

I have experienced this incredible sense of freedom since this trip - a freedom of knowing that God has a plan for me and it's okay that the plan does not include New York. I finally have this sense of peace about where I am in life and where God is leading me.

What a beautiful reminder to trust after going through such a difficult period of growing up. I am so grateful.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

I who have died am alive again today.

This is the birth day of life and love and wings.

Now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened.

I thank You, God, for most this amazing day.

Time for more.

My passion lies in teaching. I never would have known that I would be a good teacher, or that I would love it. But God put my students in my path and I fell madly in love with them. My uncle said the other day that if you start working with kids you realize nothing else could ever be as fulfilling. And it's true. Seeing the light bulb go on for a child - for your student - knowing that I helped them learn and grow has created a deeper joy in my spirit than I could have ever imagined.

But God puts desires in our hearts for a reason and I feel him tugging on my heartstrings to do more.

To sing.

I have spent years teaching other people to sing, and now God is telling me it's my turn. I feel it in the deepest part of my spirit, that this is what I am meant to do.

The hardest part, or the scariest part, is having no idea how. What the first step is.

But I just have to try. It's time to start.

The beautiful part is that I have my students, my job that I love, an amazing home to live in, and people to support the journey I want to embark on. I have everything I need... now it's time to take the next step.

2010 in Review

Well to keep tradition alive, I am going to do a quick picture-recap of my year. I never write in this thing so maybe it'll give you some idea of what my year was like :)

JANUARY:

New Years' Eve was spent at Happy Ending in LA...with amazing friends both from high school and college. Vicki and I kicked everyone's butts in beer pong and we met the most insane people and had the craziest adventures. It was the absolute best way I could have celebrated the beginning of 2010.

FEBRUARY:

February was my trip to Washington, D.C. to sing at the Kennedy Center...There was 3 feet of snow and many adventures to be had. And amazing friends who took buses through the snow to come see me perform...It was such a blessing and an honor and is one of my dearest memories of the entire year.

MARCH:

March was spent filming for our webseries "The Sunset Players." It was always stressful but always fun and I learned so much. We premiered on March 15th...Enjoy episode 1 all over again!

APRIL:

April was the month of 42nd Street with my high school kids. This picture captures the moment my kids told me they bought me a massage after I complained of my back hurting over and over from playing and conducting...I was pretty excited.

MAY:

I produced and performed in my first Cabaret at the Lounge with some amazing friends...It was probably one of the most stressful things I have ever put on my own shoulders but in the end, one of the most satisfying. It was such a joy to be able to give my friends an opportunity to perform together!


And my beautiful sister, Emily, graduated from Arizona State University! We took a family trip to Arizona without Gracie who stayed home for her senior prom...When did my entire family grow up?!

JUNE:

June was an incredibly eventful month with way too many graduations...starting with my little Gracie from Louisville High School.


And next was my brother Tommy from Our Lady of Grace. 3 graduations for one family...it was a crazy time but we had so much fun celebrating!


I can't forget that all my friends graduated from UC Irvine, too...This picture is all of us getting ready for the 2nd Annual Boat Party. That's right. I started a party that has now become an "annual" tradition. WOOHOO!

JULY:

This picture basically describes my life, but it was taken during my summer show, Once On This Island. That was one of my favorite shows I have ever played and I loved every minute of it.

AUGUST:

The 3 of us girls packed our bags and went to South Carolina for our friend Robert's wedding. I met the bride in the bathroom during the reception. True story. But Robert has been a dear friend since I was 15 years old, and it was wonderful traveling and seeing him get married. We had a Lord's Day during the reception and sang praises at the top of our lungs and danced all night. It was amazing.

SEPTEMBER:

September was back to school time. This is our back to school picnic picture - with 2 amazing students and my beautiful co-worker and dear friend, Brittany. We had just finished casting Little Women and had no idea what a big project we had just embarked on.

OCTOBER:

This is the obligatory choir retreat photo...I chaperoned again and had endless adventures with my kids. We stayed up all night with the lights out as I told scary stories and made all my girls scream. I had to protect them from tarantulas, and boys wearing clown masks and throwing shaving cream in each other's faces. I had to yell a lot but secretly I was having a blast...I love being a teacher.

NOVEMBER:

November began with the loss of my beautiful grandmother, Wayo. Very poignantly she went home to God on All Saint's Day. Rest in peace, sweet Wayo.

This was probably the most difficult month of my year. I played and conducted You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and felt like I couldn't breathe due to stress and anxiety. I was in rehearsal for Little Women, and during all of this, due to personal differences my roommate and I moved out of our apartment. I lived with family friends for this entire month and it was so beautiful and lovely...It was so selfless of them and I experienced more love than I had in a very long time. They were my guardian angels. Thank God for them.

DECEMBER:
There are absolutely no pictures of me doing Little Women. While it was never as stressful as Charlie Brown, it was still an emotional roller coaster and I held my breath through most of it.


I sang in the 3-year anniversary show and possible closing of Caffeinated Cabaret, run by my dear friend Jordan. It was an honor and a joy to sing Christmas songs with so many dear friends at such a special event.

And finally...


I came home to Wilson World for Christmas and celebrated with all of our traditions, like making a million cookies...and eating them all. It has been beautiful being home. And yes, we spent Christmas Eve in the back of our mom's van singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs just like last year. We also added on classics like "Take a Bow" and "Single Ladies" just for kicks. People loved it.

So long, 2010. As much as these pictures hold beautiful and wonderful memories, the second half of this year was very, very difficult for me. I am so ready to let go and start over. It is time for new beginning and this girl is so excited. 2011, let's go.