Never Alone

It's been a while since I've updated... it's kind of hard to follow up a post that is so heavy and full of emotion. Spiritual moments like that are fleeting and rare, which is part of what makes them so beautiful. It's hard to follow it up with a "this is what I'm up to" post, but that's just reality.

So I'm back to tell you what is going on in my life and where I'm at right now.

We were unfortunately denied the rights to The Marvelous Wonderettes, so we had to switch gears really quickly. To make a long story short, we settled on me creating my own show instead. This is an idea I had last year, although my boss was quick to reject the idea when I initially presented it. I don't blame him, doing an original project is risky and may not make as much money as a title people have heard of.

I felt like God had basically shut the door for now, even though it was something I was really passionate about.

Well, the door has flung wide open and I am overwhelmed by the opportunity. Stressed does not even begin to cover how I feel about the project... it is so much work, and we open on the 28th (yes...count it...25 days from today.) And I haven't even written all the dialogue yet. But it's happening, and the girls are incredible and I am so excited to present this piece that I've been pouring my heart into.

Just a little preview:

The show is called Never Alone and it's about four women dealing with life together. They are faced with challenges, falling in love, celebrations, questions about where to go next...and ultimately, the show is about how they help each other through all of it. I've been passionate about this as the oldest of three girls and since I graduated from an all-girl high school where I believe I truly learned what it means to be a woman. I have been blessed with a life that has shown me repeatedly how amazing women can be when we come together and uphold one another's hearts. I want to pass that along in whatever way I can...what better way to start than to create a show about it.

I am so terrified but so excited and so humbled to have this opportunity. I can only hope it goes well and that someone might be touched by it.

If you'd like to come see it, the shows are April 28 at 7 pm, and April 30 at 2 pm and 7 pm. More details to come.

Other than that, I am on spring break and reeling from the past few weeks. I have been writing non-stop, rehearsing non-stop, while still working on West Side Story, which is simply a beast of a show. Hands down it is the hardest show I have ever worked on and it's overwhelming every day. I'm sure it will come together, but it's such a challenge.

I do love my job more and more every day, and I consider myself incredibly blessed. God is so good.

I'll update again soon, but for now, keep me and my show in your prayers!

Complete Candor.

I have always been an open book about my struggle with depression and anxiety. I struggle every single day with lies that permeate my every thought telling me that I am worthless. That I am ugly. That I am mean. That I have no friends, that I am alone, that I am not talented. It is the ugliest part of me, yet somehow I have allowed it to become the loudest. I have struggled with this for almost ten years, and I have been in therapy and have spent years working on myself and my issues.

But right now...God is just working on my heart in a way that makes it feel like it is completely ripping apart...in the most beautiful way. My heart, my wounded, aching heart, is falling apart and crumbling away to make way for a new one. A new one that is huge and full and ready to accept God's love.

God gave me the grace of feeling His love tonight. Not just knowing it was there. My heart almost can't take the feeling...His love is bigger than anything our human brains can wrap around, and my heart is throbbing with this experience of Love that is unlike any other.

When I feel the lies beginning to take over and I start feeling this emptiness...an emptiness that I feel will be filled with people's approval, their love, their friendship...I realize it is only in asking God to fill that void does it actually begin to heal. That is when the lies begin to quiet themselves and the Truth shines through.

I was driving home today, doubting every moment of my day. Did I sound stupid there? Did I overwhelm him? Did she think I was crazy? They must think I'm full of myself. That was such an ugly moment. Why did I say that? I really need to work on my pride. Am I crazy? Am I just insecure? I am an ugly person. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that.

Literally analyzing every moment of interaction with every individual, wondering if I said the right thing, if I did the right thing.

And I stopped myself mid-tailspin, just asking the Lord to take these lies away and fill my heart with the Truth.

And THIS is the truth.

I am LOVED. By the Creator of the universe. By the One who put me on this earth. The One who knows me, every piece of me. He loves ME. Every ounce of beautiful, ugly, struggling, joyful, faithful, sinful ME.

He is jealous for me.
loves like a hurricane, i am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and i realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.
and oh, how He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He loves us.
and we are His portion and He is our prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way
He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He LOVES us.

The Lord fills every moment with grace if we are open to it. Because He LOVES us.

We suffer and we struggle and we sin so that we would NEED grace. And God is there pouring it out every moment of every day, reminding us that He is standing with us, kissing us on the forehead, walking through every trial with us. He is carrying His cross while we carry ours.

We MUST carry our cross in order to experience grace. We wouldn't NEED grace if we didn't sin and if we didn't suffer.

So for the first time in my life, I accept my suffering and I accept my struggle as my cross.

It then becomes my path to grace.

A New Personal Record

I am officially working on three musicals at once.

When I was a little girl dreaming of doing musical theatre, I had no idea that my life would take me on a path where I would be able to work on multiple shows at once like this. I also didn't think I'd be music directing, directing, playing piano, or conducting.

(The secret is that if you do all those things, you get to be involved in musical theatre way more than if you only want to be on stage.)

I am just blessed that every day my work is filled with music. Every day of my life is about making music. How could I ever complain?

As I'm directing The Marvelous Wonderettes and music directing West Side Story, I got a call from my professor at UCI, Dennis, asking me to become a pit singer for CATS that's in the middle of its run at Musical Theatre West. The show opened last weekend but one of the singers got sick so he needed someone to learn the score in a day. I was very flattered that he called me so I of course said yes. It was such a fun challenge for me to have NEVER heard this music before, get the music in the morning and perform it at night. I LOVE it. Call me crazy. But the challenge totally excites me.

And it really was a blast just to sing. No one can see me, I'm wearing all black hiding in the orchestra pit. But it doesn't matter. I get to sing and make music and do what I love.

So I will enjoy the challenge of the next 2 weeks of working on 3 shows at once. Now I just have to cope with the exhaustion... But it's totally worth it.

The Lists Are UP...

I guess I'm officially a director. My show has been cast...and for the first time ever, I had to cast it. I don't have a director to answer to, or to pass off the final decisions to. It's all me. It's a weird feeling, and I hate hurting the kids who don't get the roles they want more than anything.

But when they DO get the part they want...the looks on their faces are better than anything I could ever put into words. Teenagers want to be grown ups so badly, but in the moment where they find out that they get the role they've always wanted...the child in them comes out and it's such a priceless moment. The pure joy is overwhelming and it's such an honor to get to experience that with my students. Especially when the joy is intertwined with complete shock and humility. It is humbling for me to watch my students learn and grow and achieve what they've been working towards for years. Goodness, can I say I love my job ENOUGH? I am so, so, so blessed.

I have never felt more myself...more at home and closer to God...than when I am with my students. Connecting with them, teaching them, learning from them, creating art with them. They are my joy and have taught me so much about perseverance, patience, hope, and unconditional love.

God is so good.

It is amazing to be writing this and feeling this excitement especially after the months I just went through, experiencing some of the biggest struggles of my life. We must endure those times to make these so poignant and beautiful. I love my kids. I love that they stood by me during the most difficult time of my life and loved me anyway. I love that they got to watch me grow up. Really grow up. I love that they made me laugh every day, even when all I wanted to do was cry. I love that they waited for me to get through it with patience, even though they couldn't understand. And I love that I am back. That God has brought me back to life, and that my students are still here, loving me more than ever. And ready to just experience joy together again.

It's time to make some art. These shows are going to be phenomenal...I can't wait to start. I haven't been this excited in a very, very long time.

I'm back. Thank GOD.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

The Other Side.

I really can't believe that college was almost two years ago....auditioning like crazy and always worrying so much about what my teachers were thinking. Was the show pre-cast? Did they have any expectations about what kind of song I should sing? What would they think if I picked the wrong song? What were they thinking while I was singing?

I can't answer any of those questions for my teachers, but I'm on the other side of the table now and I know how difficult that side can be.

I completely understand the nerves and the stress that auditions bring. I've been through so many. I just know now that I want all my students to do their best, and to have fun, and I want to see them excel. It is so strange that the power is placed in Brittany's and my hands and that they get nervous to sing in front of us. They are my babies and I just want them to have fun.

So...here we go, my 6th show at SOCSA...West Side Story is going to be quite the adventure. I am still learning how to play it on the piano so this should be very interesting. (It is literally the hardest score I have ever seen.)

I'm also directing my first show ever, The Marvelous Wonderettes. I am so excited to be gaining more responsibility and to finally be directing. It's something I've wanted to try forever and I finally get my chance. Here's to a new semester...I can't wait to see what we all learn.

i who have died am alive again today

I love being reminded of how much I adore being a teacher.

I found two audition songs for one of my students the other day that I was really excited about, but I had no idea how she would react. I got a text from her today exclaiming that these songs encompass exactly who she is and she couldn't be more excited to sing them. That made my whole day.

I love that one of my biggest (yet simplest) joys is helping my students discover new art and embrace it and make it their own. I love it so much.

In other news, I just got home from my huge trip to New York and Pennsylvania. I had some time off work so I took time off of my private voice lessons and went back east to visit my friends and family.

I have between 20 and 30 friends in New York now (no exaggeration) because they all moved to pursue their musical theatre dreams. I could not possibly be prouder of all of them and how hard they are working. It's been a big struggle for me, though, being the only one who stayed in California. I wondered at times if I was supposed to move, too, and if I was just too afraid to leave everything behind to pursue the dream I had for years.

I prayed repeatedly before I left that God would show me His plan...His desires for me. I wanted to know if New York was where I belonged or not. And He answered my prayer.

I am supposed to be here. California is where I belong, with my family and my students and a life that God has built for me that I am so blessed to have. It astounds me every day just how blessed I am and how full God has made my life.

Being in New York made me realize that I am not giving up my dreams...my dreams simply changed. And that's okay.

I have experienced this incredible sense of freedom since this trip - a freedom of knowing that God has a plan for me and it's okay that the plan does not include New York. I finally have this sense of peace about where I am in life and where God is leading me.

What a beautiful reminder to trust after going through such a difficult period of growing up. I am so grateful.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

I who have died am alive again today.

This is the birth day of life and love and wings.

Now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened.

I thank You, God, for most this amazing day.

Time for more.

My passion lies in teaching. I never would have known that I would be a good teacher, or that I would love it. But God put my students in my path and I fell madly in love with them. My uncle said the other day that if you start working with kids you realize nothing else could ever be as fulfilling. And it's true. Seeing the light bulb go on for a child - for your student - knowing that I helped them learn and grow has created a deeper joy in my spirit than I could have ever imagined.

But God puts desires in our hearts for a reason and I feel him tugging on my heartstrings to do more.

To sing.

I have spent years teaching other people to sing, and now God is telling me it's my turn. I feel it in the deepest part of my spirit, that this is what I am meant to do.

The hardest part, or the scariest part, is having no idea how. What the first step is.

But I just have to try. It's time to start.

The beautiful part is that I have my students, my job that I love, an amazing home to live in, and people to support the journey I want to embark on. I have everything I need... now it's time to take the next step.