A Year in Review

I haven't written in here in a long time, but I haven't forgotten about it. I've come back to do a year in review - to talk about the things I went through during my junior year of college. I've come to the conclusion that college is not about learning your trade, or declaring a major, or taking general ed classes to be well-rounded. There is value in all of those things, but I have come to the conclusion that college is about learning about yourself. Who you are, the way you work in relationships, what kind of friend you want to be, what kind of people you want in your life, what your passions are, how you handle your conflicts, what motivates you, what your goals are, and the things you want to change and the things you really love about yourself.

I am unsure just how to blog about my year and how much I learned, so I will try to encompass my year through pictures and some anecdotes, starting with the beginning - September 2007.

To be perfectly honest, my fall quarter started out horribly. In one week I got into a bad car accident and was betrayed by someone really close to my heart. I was in a daze for quite some time, not really understanding why either of these things happened to me. I'm a huge "cryer" and for the first time in my life, I was so stunned that I just couldn't cry. I could have died - in fact, I should have died in that accident, and I am so grateful I didn't. My tire blew out on the 405 driving home from school at about 5 pm right next to LAX. I was in the fast lane and spun out until I slammed into the railing on the right side. I don't know how it happened, but everything worked out so that I didn't even get hurt. There were about 5 cars going at least 70 miles an hour that missed hitting me probably by inches, and I landed in the shoulder of the road so no one could hit me. I also did not realize I wasn't hitting my brakes until about halfway across the freeway but I slammed on them in time to not collide with the railing too hard (hard enough to move my front bumper a few feet to the right, though). Although I was not injured, my car was, and so was my feeling of security while driving.

While I was still recovering from the shock of the accident, I found out this person I had allowed to come into my life and affect my heart so deeply had been lying to me for the duration of our relationship, which was devastating. I never cried or talked about it - I think it was too painful for words or tears for some time. I finally broke down one night while Zach stayed up all hours with me while I cried louder and harder and uglier than ever.

To this day I don't quite understand the purpose behind either of those incidents. I will never know why bad things happen or why people get hurt. In the midst of looking for an answer, though, I finally did something that I had been wanting to do for years.

I joined the Life Teen CORE team at a parish in Irvine, where I finally felt like I had found a spiritual home while I was at school. My first event with the group was Inspiration at Magic Mountain. I remember praying with thousands of people, mostly people younger than myself, and I realized I needed to take my life into my hands and make some serious decisions. It was then that I truly started taking my faith seriously and making it my own. I gave my heart and my life to God in a way I never had before - in total surrender. I knew that God's plan for my life was better than any plan I could think of myself and I knew that I could no longer hold on to my life so tightly. Once I finally opened my hands up to God and gave him my wounded heart, I felt the healing that I needed beginning inside me. With this healing and this knowledge that my life was now in God's hands, I began to live in freedom and was able to thrive in love and joy.

With this new joy, came wonderful days like October 22 - my 20th birthday.

My friends and I went to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe after which we came back to my apartment and watched Love Actually and baked cookies - a lovely way to spend a night with my girlfriends. On my actual birthday, my dear friend Amanda took me to Disneyland & California Adventure, where Zach and Laura joined us. After a few hours going on every ride and taking silly pictures, Laura and Amanda joined me in going up to Wilson World for a brief family celebration. It was so wonderful being with my family again, and bringing friends home to spend that time together. We had a huge family dance party, after which Amanda told me meeting my family makes me make more sense. I can't tell you how often I am told that after people meet my family.

The rest of my Fall Quarter was really beautiful, filled with joy and an inner peace I had never known before. With that, coming home for winter break was amazing. My siblings and I spent Christmas Eve singing carols as loud as we possibly could lying underneath the Christmas tree - which is louder than you think, trust me.My family brings me so much joy, as you can see in other posts I've made on this blog. It's nights like Christmas Eve that remind me of how unique my family is, and how amazing they are. They have made me who I am, and I truly adore them more than I could possibly put into words.

With that, I will conclude the first third of my year in review - fall quarter - the last few months of 2007. Check back for the rest of the year later, starting with New Years and the beginning of 2008. :)

Deceptive Cadence

I started an a cappella group last year with my friend, Kristen, and I just wanted to share the work we have done this year!
Here's "Why Do Fools Fall in Love" and "Shenandoah."



If you want to see more, search for UCI Deceptive Cadence on youtube, our entire concert will be up soon!

Touched by an Angel

This evening my friends and I went out to dinner, and met a man named Stephen. He was walking by our table on the patio, and stopped to begin a conversation with us. In time, the conversation led to talking about faith, and God.

Faith, he said, is what will remain with you no matter what. You can take away our crucifix necklaces, and our faith will still be there. You can burn down our churches, and our faith will still be there.

The conversation turned into Stephen, Carla and I singing "Amazing Grace" in harmony on this busy patio filled with people. Everyone stopped and listened to words that I needed to hear right now, and words that were heard by everybody on that patio today.

As he was leaving, he left each of my friends with a thought, such as telling Carla that she is full of wisdom. He skipped over me, but as he began walking away, he turned around to say -

"You're gonna be a really good mother one day."

I cried immediately and for some reason knew this man was an angel. At least for me. I guess an "angel" doesn't really need to be an angel sent from heaven, disguised as a human being to send a message from God. An angel can be a real person, allowing God to speak through them. And for some reason, being told that I am going to be a really good mother one day was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. God knew that. It was a pretty silly thing that only He would know.

The whole experience was just extremely moving. I am just grateful that God sent a personal message that spoke straight to my heart today. I needed it.

Amazing Grace.
How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me;
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

When we've been there 10,000 years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We've no less ways to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun.

For Future Generations...

My assignment in my Development of Theatre class was to write a brief essay telling what values I would want to pass on to future generations. I wish I could have written more, but I'm going to post what I am turning in, simply so that I can hold onto it. It's brief and pretty simple, but I liked thinking about it:

Joy is an indescribable gift that I want to pass on to future generations. To me, joy is not equivalent to happiness – it is more like hope. I believe that joy is knowing that no matter how dark life can get, there is always something to hope for and life is still absolutely beautiful. Joy is constantly striving to see this beauty in life and sharing it with the people around us. The gift of joy and being able to hold onto hope even through times of despair is something that I value highly and something I hope future generations will strive for.

Part of living a joyful life, in my opinion, is to find what one is passionate about. I hope to pass on the value of passion – of being excited about our talents, our relationships, our happiness, and especially the fact that we are simply alive. I want to pass on my passion for self-esteem, particularly in young women. Through my own experiences at an all-girl high school, I realized how beneficial this environment was in my journey to becoming a woman. I feel that few girls get to experience learning about their value as young women, about how beautiful they are, and about knowing who they are and being confident in that knowledge.

Furthermore, and most importantly, I want to pass on the value of family. My family is my biggest passion, and without them I would not be who I am today. I believe family is something to be treasured. Strong family relationships can give a person a wonderful childhood, which I think is priceless – all children should be able to live in innocence and joy. Family relationships are unmatched by any friendship, for family consists of the people who know you truly and deeply, and love you unconditionally. In my heart, the most important thing I want to pass on is the value of a strong family life and the joy, passion, and confidence that come from these relationships.

Wilson World - East Coast Style

I think I have had the best month of my life. It sounds silly, really, because nothing that exciting has happened.

Being on the other side of depression is an absolutely indescribable feeling. And by the "other side", I mean after it is over. I was going in and out of depression for four years. This summer I finally did something about it and thank God I did. Thank God.

It is impossible to explain what the past month or two have been like. The simple things in life have become so much more important and prevalent in my life. All that matters is that I have my JOY back.

When my family went to Arizona, we were driving through the desert in the darkness, with all the stars out. We all had our windows open and heads out, staring at God's greatness and this song by the Future of Forestry came on:

you have walked so deep a canyon, deep a canyon now
and in the end you know that you've been found
you're found
heaven sure fell hard upon you, hard upon you now
in the end you know that you've been found
you're found

oh, you belong now
oh, you are free

so open wide the arms you're given,
you're too alive to just stand still
open wide your heart as you breathe in,
you're too alive to just stay here

you wondered how your searching heart
your searching heart would roam
coming to the place that you'd call home
you're home

oh, you belong now
you are free

you're shaken up
awaken
you gotta live, you gotta love.

I started sobbing in the car. Silently, of course.
Sobbing because a month earlier, that drive would have meant almost nothing to me. Maybe I would have been crying about feeling bad about myself, or I would have been asleep, or I would have just not been in the car because I wanted to stay home.

But instead, I held my sister's hand and looked at God through those beautiful stars and soaked up the words to that song.

You are FREE. And you are too alive to just stand still. So open wide your arms, and open wide your heart.

I am free. There are days where I feel like I could explode inside, from how much joy I am holding onto. I wish I could have one of those movie moments where I stand on the roof and sing with my arms outstretched towards the sky, where the band is exploding and I hold the last note for an eternity, as the camera pans out and shows me on the roof and everything that surrounds me.

I think The Count of Monte Cristo was one of my Grandfather's favorite books. It is one of mine, as well, and my favorite quotation of all time comes from one of the last pages:

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexander Dumas

I am now at a point where I can thank God for the struggles that I have been through. I am thankful that I have experienced "what it is to die" so that I may enjoy life so much more and appreciate little things more than I ever could have before.

I'm here in Pennsylvania with my family for 2 more days. I initially wanted to take this trip in about April because life was getting too complicated. I wanted to leave my phone, my computer, and all ties behind me in California and just enjoy the simplicity of being with my family for a few days.

I realize now that I was meant to come here at this time. My cousin and I are staying at our aunt's house and have talked for hours on end about faith, and about how similarly we view life these days. Because both of us have felt "what it is to die" in our own ways - and we are now experiencing learning from that and appreciating how different life can be and how much joy we can experience.

My Nana and I have sat on the couches singing Fiddler on the Roof at the top of our lungs. Every. Single. Song.

I took my Aunt Anna May out to lunch and we just talked about life and got to really bond one-on-one. My two boy cousins my age (whom of course I love to embarrass) have spent time with me this weekend. One of them was already my friend, so we picked up where we left off and talked about relationships, work, and cars. I am not close with the other one, but I got him to blow me a kiss as he was leaving the other night. I loved it. My Uncle Yeppy took me on a drive through Valley Forge and we took pictures of deer and made up funny stories. He's also taking me to the city tomorrow. I got manicures and have had endless chats with my Aunt Janie, and have enjoyed every moment of staying at her house.

I have always appreciated my family, and truly adored them. But to really appreciate every moment, and every conversation, and every spontaneous song, and every laugh - I needed to get through my depression first. The beauty I see and the joy I feel when I am surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me is completely overwhelming.

I also can't wait to go home - everything feels incomplete without my family here, especially my Papa. I can't wait to be with him and my Mom and wonderful, wonderful siblings again.

I am so, so blessed.

And PS -- I found out that my uncle now runs races in a shark costume. I always tell people that my family makes me make so much more sense. It is so true.

Declare Victory

Declare: (v.)
1. to make known or state clearly
2. to proclaim
3. to state emphatically

Victory: (n.)
1. a success or triumph over an enemy in battle
2. the ultimate and decisive superiority in any battle or contest
3. a success or superior position achieved against any difficulty
4. success in a struggle against difficulties or an obstacle

I think it is time for me to truly declare victory. Looking back on the past six weeks - the majority of my summer so far, and my entire time working at my job - I feel proud of myself. I never knew how many challenges could be compacted into 42 days, but I have persevered.

I have had an autistic girl with no verbal skills say thank you in sign language to me.
I have had an autistic boy with very little verbal skills learn my name and read words like "comfortable."
I have had an autistic boy use the word "elated" because I taught him what it means.
I have gone swimming in the ocean and felt 10 years old, pretending that my kids were monsters and diving under waves with them.
I have gained confidence.
I have gained patience.
I have begun truly overcoming depression.

It is difficult to put my feelings into words, so instead I will just say that it is time for me to declare victory.

Freedom.

Growing up

I want to be a little kid forever.

Yesterday, I saw my friend whom I hadn't seen since December. We ran into each other at a Christian rock concert, which I went to because I had nothing else to do on a Friday night. It was a good concert, but I was exhausted after a week of teaching my class.

I was in a good mood because yesterday at camp, we had "Fun Friday"-- where we do relay races and play games outside. We were going to do a water balloon toss and other games, but we ended up just getting into a huge water balloon fight. All the kids ran after me with buckets full of water and I got completely soaked. All my kids played-- even one boy who just lies on a bench whenever we go outside. My assistant hit him with a water balloon and he joined the war. I dumped a bucket of water over his head and he started cracking up and chasing after me. So priceless.

We combine my class (Class E - the 14-17 year olds) with the class below us (Class D - the 11-13 year olds), for Fun Fridays and for games outside. The Class D kids are crazy, and I have a blast with them because they know I'm one of the "cool" teachers who will play freeze tag, and won't care if they throw me in the pool with all my clothes on. Because I'll just grab them and throw them in next.

I told my friend that the water balloon fight was honestly the most fun I have had in SO long.

He looked at me and sort of laughed and said, "You need to get out more."

The truth is, "getting out" and hanging out with people my age is nowhere NEAR as fun as playing with my kids at work. Whether the game be freeze tag or a water balloon fight or even kickball.

The amount of laughter, the smiles on EVERYONE's faces, and hey - the amazing workout you get, is priceless.

I love growing up and getting together with my friends and just talking and spending time together...
But I want to just get together with people and play freeze tag at a park. Or something.

I asked one of my kids who he admires for our self-expression class. He said no one. I explained what it means to admire someone - that it means you look up to them and want to be like them. He still said no one. I asked if it was because he was just happy with the way he is. And he said yes.

I admire THEM.

Their love, their innocence, their joy, their never-ending supply of funny things to say, their simplicity, and their youthfulness even at age 17 are all things I want to exude in my life.

I want to grow up to be like my kids.