Wilson World - East Coast Style

I think I have had the best month of my life. It sounds silly, really, because nothing that exciting has happened.

Being on the other side of depression is an absolutely indescribable feeling. And by the "other side", I mean after it is over. I was going in and out of depression for four years. This summer I finally did something about it and thank God I did. Thank God.

It is impossible to explain what the past month or two have been like. The simple things in life have become so much more important and prevalent in my life. All that matters is that I have my JOY back.

When my family went to Arizona, we were driving through the desert in the darkness, with all the stars out. We all had our windows open and heads out, staring at God's greatness and this song by the Future of Forestry came on:

you have walked so deep a canyon, deep a canyon now
and in the end you know that you've been found
you're found
heaven sure fell hard upon you, hard upon you now
in the end you know that you've been found
you're found

oh, you belong now
oh, you are free

so open wide the arms you're given,
you're too alive to just stand still
open wide your heart as you breathe in,
you're too alive to just stay here

you wondered how your searching heart
your searching heart would roam
coming to the place that you'd call home
you're home

oh, you belong now
you are free

you're shaken up
awaken
you gotta live, you gotta love.

I started sobbing in the car. Silently, of course.
Sobbing because a month earlier, that drive would have meant almost nothing to me. Maybe I would have been crying about feeling bad about myself, or I would have been asleep, or I would have just not been in the car because I wanted to stay home.

But instead, I held my sister's hand and looked at God through those beautiful stars and soaked up the words to that song.

You are FREE. And you are too alive to just stand still. So open wide your arms, and open wide your heart.

I am free. There are days where I feel like I could explode inside, from how much joy I am holding onto. I wish I could have one of those movie moments where I stand on the roof and sing with my arms outstretched towards the sky, where the band is exploding and I hold the last note for an eternity, as the camera pans out and shows me on the roof and everything that surrounds me.

I think The Count of Monte Cristo was one of my Grandfather's favorite books. It is one of mine, as well, and my favorite quotation of all time comes from one of the last pages:

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexander Dumas

I am now at a point where I can thank God for the struggles that I have been through. I am thankful that I have experienced "what it is to die" so that I may enjoy life so much more and appreciate little things more than I ever could have before.

I'm here in Pennsylvania with my family for 2 more days. I initially wanted to take this trip in about April because life was getting too complicated. I wanted to leave my phone, my computer, and all ties behind me in California and just enjoy the simplicity of being with my family for a few days.

I realize now that I was meant to come here at this time. My cousin and I are staying at our aunt's house and have talked for hours on end about faith, and about how similarly we view life these days. Because both of us have felt "what it is to die" in our own ways - and we are now experiencing learning from that and appreciating how different life can be and how much joy we can experience.

My Nana and I have sat on the couches singing Fiddler on the Roof at the top of our lungs. Every. Single. Song.

I took my Aunt Anna May out to lunch and we just talked about life and got to really bond one-on-one. My two boy cousins my age (whom of course I love to embarrass) have spent time with me this weekend. One of them was already my friend, so we picked up where we left off and talked about relationships, work, and cars. I am not close with the other one, but I got him to blow me a kiss as he was leaving the other night. I loved it. My Uncle Yeppy took me on a drive through Valley Forge and we took pictures of deer and made up funny stories. He's also taking me to the city tomorrow. I got manicures and have had endless chats with my Aunt Janie, and have enjoyed every moment of staying at her house.

I have always appreciated my family, and truly adored them. But to really appreciate every moment, and every conversation, and every spontaneous song, and every laugh - I needed to get through my depression first. The beauty I see and the joy I feel when I am surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me is completely overwhelming.

I also can't wait to go home - everything feels incomplete without my family here, especially my Papa. I can't wait to be with him and my Mom and wonderful, wonderful siblings again.

I am so, so blessed.

And PS -- I found out that my uncle now runs races in a shark costume. I always tell people that my family makes me make so much more sense. It is so true.