Thoughts from an Almost-College-Graduate

This year has been an adventure. Fall Quarter was absolutely miserable, and I don't feel the need to share why. After spending months feeling sorry for myself, my car finally exploded -- seriously -- and I knew God was trying to get my attention. With my depression issues, it is so easy for me to give in to sadness for one day, after which it is so much harder to recover and begin choosing happiness again. In October and November, I gave in day after day. I gave up the fight, and it wasn't until my car blew up - I was literally driving in a huge cloud of smoke - that I realized it was MY choice to make a change. Happiness was not going to come knocking on my door, I was going to have to walk out my door and find it.

So I did. So far, 2009 has been a year of personal growth and exploration, and searching for joy and for love. I spent the first 40 days of the year on a personal fast and offering up my life once again to Christ. He took my heart and made it completely new, and for this I am incredibly grateful.

So far this year, I have composed a musical, Book of Tink, in 2 months. I wrote about 25 songs - I did not even know I was capable of composing so much music in such a short period of time, let alone teaching it, arranging it for instruments, and recording all the instruments for the show tracks. It was one of the most gratifying experiences I have ever had. The Prologue of the show was about 6 minutes long with 5-part harmonies and 17 singers. As the show was done in the round, the singers surrounded the entire theatre behind the audience members so the music came from all sides. Every night, we practiced the Prologue before the show, and I stood in the middle of the theatre to listen to my singers.

One night my dear friend Victor, who was an Assistant Director, wrote me a note that said:

"What does it feel like to stand in the center of your creation?"

I didn't have an answer then, but I think the best explanation I can think of is that I felt like I was standing inside out.

I literally felt as if my physical self was standing inside of my soul, rather than my soul being inside my physical body. This music WAS my soul and I had given it to my singers to express for me. I could not have been more humbled by the experience of hearing 17 people sing my soul back to me. There are no words for an experience like that.

Now that Book of Tink is over, I am putting my heart into another project, Songs for a New World. I am finally performing again for the first time since June 2008 in Reefer Madness. I have been so focused on teaching other people to sing that I have not sung for a very long time, and I am thrilled to get the chance to perform again. After this project, I will be in Little Women in May and June, playing Marmee. I could not be more excited about that - what a wonderful way to leave UC Irvine.

As far as my feelings about graduation go, I am pretty terrified at the moment.

I am not afraid of what is beginning; I am afraid of what is ending.

It is incredibly scary to leave a lifestyle I have known since I was 4 years old. For as long as I can remember, I have been a student. I have spent four years at a college that I love with friends whom I adore. I know that no matter how many friends I have now, there will only be a handful who will always remain in my life - and that just makes me sad. There are many aspects of college that I will not want to leave behind when I graduate.

I must interrupt myself, however, because while writing this, I re-read the title of my journal. Adventures in an Uncertain World.

How incredibly appropriate. In two months, I am leaving certainty behind and leaving for my adventures in an uncertain world.

When it comes down to it, I will miss college, but I am ready for my big adventure. I can't wait to see what the world has in store for me.