Summer is over...

The reality of not going back to school for the first time in my life is starting to settle in.

I had a rough couple of weeks recently. At one point in time over the summer, I had four jobs overlapping each other. I was music directing Guys & Dolls, singing at Mass every Sunday, music directing ArtsFest at the Jewish Community Center in Irvine, and singing at the concerts in the park with the Pacific Symphony. It was great to have so much work - but I was just asking for a stress-induced breakdown and I definitely got it.

Guys & Dolls went extremely well, and I fell absolutely in love with my students. The scariest part of the job was that I had to play piano with their 16-piece orchestra, and I have never done that before. One day our conductor, Steve, left because it was his pregnant wife's birthday. He left and nonchalantly told me to conduct the rehearsal that night. I had never conducted in my life. Ever. We did the whole show - and somehow survived. After we got through curtain call, I fell on the floor of the stage and starting laughing and crying hysterically. I had absolutely no idea how to handle the amount of anxiety, fear, stress, excitement and adrenaline I had running through my body for the last 2 1/2 hours - so I laughed and laughed.

Those kids really made my whole summer. They re-hired me for the fall and I'm working there now as their music director. We're working on Annie right now, which I'm having a blast with. Most of the kids are new and weren't in Guys & Dolls, so I have to re-build those relationships again, but I'm confident that we will get there. This weekend I was asked to be the chaperone for their choir retreat - which I think is hilarious because I honestly don't feel like I'm old enough to be a "chaperone." Apparently when Ray (their choir teacher) announced I'd be the girls' chaperone, everyone screamed in class. I was so excited to hear this - to know that I'm so loved by my students is an incredible feeling.

My other jobs over the summer were an adventure, and definitely not as noteworthy. I loved singing with the Pacific Symphony once again. This time we did The King & I, and I got to sing "Getting to Know You" & "Whistle a Happy Tune." The conductor of the symphony, Carl St. Clair, is truly one of the greatest artists I've ever met - so full of passion and humor, and an honor to work with. I have loved singing with the symphony these two summers - it is an honor to sing with such talented musicians.

ArtsFest was a little less exciting. It was a 5-day camp for high school kids at the Jewish Community Center to learn a specific field within the arts and put on a show. I was the musical theatre assistant/music director, and everyday was exhausting and less than rewarding. I won't say much more than that, but this was the time when my huge breakdown happened. My one saving grace was that my dear friend, Zach Reino, was the acting assistant. Every day we would call each other on our lunch break and search for each other to remain sane throughout the crazy days. I am thankful for the experience, because I learned a lot and it was a practice in patience. I also can't leave out the fact that I met some great people. My new friend, Mattan, who is from Israel - taught the jazz band. He became my new best friend, and he even asked me to join the jazz band for the performance and play the egg shaker which I thought was hilarious. I unfortunately had to stay at my piano, but I was thrilled that over 5 days we had bonded and become such dear friends.

The last couple of weeks were a struggle of realizing that summer is over and life is really starting. I don't know if I'm supposed to be teaching at a high school, or auditioning, or writing music, or what. I don't know. I feel helpless some days, searching for what I'm supposed to do or what I want to do or where God truly wants me. I don't know if I just took the job at Dana Hills to bide my time - so I could at least say that I have a job, and I'm not just completely wasting my time. Am I supposed to be doing something else?

I guess the answer is I don't know. But sometimes I forget how much I love these kids and then I go back to rehearsal and remember that they inspire me, shower me with love, and give me something to work towards. I am blessed. And who knows where life will take me in the future, but this is where I am now and I need to make the absolute most of it.

The last few days I stayed with my 6 guys friends in Irvine so I could be closer to my work. 4 of these guys were my best friends, Alex, Andreas, Sean & Ian - and the other 2 are already so dear to my heart. I had been struggling with these feelings of hopelessness, and even feeling like I did not have friends anymore. All these feelings were completely erased by being taken in by such wonderful guys who took such good care of me and definitely filled me with love. I can't believe they would take me in for free and let me stay there for 4 days at time, sleeping on their couches, on their floors, feeding me, and just taking care of me. I baked them brownies to say thank you - and I'm going to learn how to cook dinners for them so I can continue to earn my keep! I couldn't ask for a better household to be adopted 7th roommate in - I haven't felt so happy in a long time.

So there's life for now. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and hope I am continually guided in the right direction.

In the meantime... I will keep playing "Tomorrow" on the piano, chaperone high school retreats, be the 7th roommate of 6 great guys, love spending time with my family, and sing every chance I get.