It's Only in Surrender that our Freedom Comes...

God has been doing some funny things in my life lately. I always laughed at everyone who said "You learn SO much about yourself in your 20s" and "You change SO much during your 20s"... I guess I was one of those teenagers who thought I knew it all. Well, I'm not laughing at them anymore. I am one of them. I'm turning 24 in a few weeks and the person I am today compared to the person I was not even a year ago is INCREDIBLY different. I mean, beyond explanation. And I know that the person I will continue to become over the next few years is going to be constantly growing.

But let's be real. That's too big of a topic to even try to tackle in one blog. I will just try to compartmentalize a little bit so you can all catch up.

I met someone this summer. I was about to say "I won't get into too many details, blogs aren't the place to post about such personal things." Then I realized I've been incredibly candid about everything else, particularly my depression. I guess this has to do with another person, who I'd rather not read about all my feelings on my blog, so I'll keep it kind of short for his sake.

The fact is, I met someone who I thought was absolutely wonderful and he is no longer part of my life. We talked for two months, but nearing the end of those two months, I felt God pulling me away. Maybe he was experiencing the same thing, I don't really know. But we decided a friendship would be better for us than a relationship, although over the last few months that friendship has come to a halt as well.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. The point being, God took him out of my life and it then became my goal to figure out why. Why did I meet him in the first place? Why did I put so much hope into this one person? Why is it so hard to let go?

I then started reading a book Abandonment to Divine Providence, hoping it would give me some insight and clarity about what God was doing, or at least how I could move on. I am still absorbing this book... it's an incredibly thick read (although it's a tiny little book). It's full of wisdom and spirituality that I am still learning from every day. There is one quotation that I say to myself every single day --

"What God chooses for us to experience at each moment is the best and holiest thing that could happen to us."

No matter what is happening... whether it's something that makes my heart ache, or something that makes me smile, even if it's just a voice lesson that is feeling a little too long... I remind myself that I am here, in this moment, on purpose. And if I allow that moment to just happen because it is what God deigns is best - THAT is the path to holiness, to fullness, to joy.

So I let go. It is the first time in my life that "living in the present moment" made sense to me. Everyone always says that. "Live in the moment," "the present is a gift, that's why they call it the present", etc and so forth. But from the perspective of God? I had never thought of it that way. Living in the present moment is the best and truest path to holiness - because the truth is, God is communicating to us NOW. When we can clouded with thoughts of, "Why did that happen to me?" "What is going to happen tomorrow?" "Will this ever stop hurting?", we miss what God is trying to communicate to us at that very moment.

The truth is, there are days where I still hurt over this situation. I wish I didn't. Some days I feel crazy that it (he) has affected me so deeply. But this is where God wants me to be. I have to walk through this step by step, because God is pouring His grace over me in each and every single moment. Every tear I shed is on purpose, every night that I can't sleep is because God wants me there. And the truth is, I am having to rely on Him so much more as I walk through this pain. And that is an absolutely beautiful thing - to lean on Him so heavily and know that He is carrying me.

And the other beautiful thing is that God does take away. He does it deliberately and it is painful and confusing. But I know He takes away so that He can make sacred space. Space for HIM to come in and move and live and dwell within us.

After I lost this "someone," I knew God was making space. And He has filled that space with such beauty and grace and joy.

I signed up for some dance classes after all this happened, simply to do something "for myself." I've never done that before, so I thought it was time to do something that was just for me, because I felt like it.

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Jan. 31 2013:

I just found this blog post in my drafts of my blog. I wish I had finished it and published it. I do know that what I was going to express was that these dance classes were bringing me so much joy. It's so crazy to read this over a year later and know that those classes literally changed my life. I met my African dance family because of all of this - because I was in pain and looking for something to do just for me. I made so many new friends - really, a new family - where I was safe and loved and treasured, and I could just dance my face off. What an incredible gift. Wow. God really is amazing. What a beautiful post to re-visit and remember that God is always working, right now, in the present moment. Amazing. Also amazing that God was making space for John Paul who came into my life so shortly after this. What a gift.

Never Alone, in retrospect

It's actually hard to begin to write about how Never Alone went and what kind of impact it had on my heart.

I wrote before about how I knew God opened this door for me, so I was ready to walk through it and undertake this giant project. Well, since I knew it was in God's hands I prayed every day that it would stay there. I never wanted to take too much control over the project or make it "mine". I wanted it to be fully His, because quite frankly, I knew I would be incapable of such a huge project without His help and His grace to make it happen.

Just to give you perspective on what the writing process was like...

We had West Side Story rehearsal every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, with Never Alone rehearsals on Monday, Wednesday, and any evening after West Side that we could fit in. I also was giving voice lessons every evening after our rehearsals. My mornings were spent practicing piano (sometimes for 3 hours at a time) and sitting and staring at my computer screen, trying to type out an entire show in a month and a half. It was beautiful divine convenience that I had given up TV for Lent... so I could just sit with my computer without any distractions.

Every day at rehearsal with the girls, I would throw new scenes at them and change them as they read them aloud. Hearing my words spoken by other people shed a whole new light on what I was trying to say, and it took a lot of editing and humility (rather, getting over being embarrassed when something sounded incredibly cheesy or trite) to get the lines just right. These girls were learning edited scenes 2 days before opening. Literally. They were so patient and incredible to work with.

So, after all the writing and editing and rehearsing and staring at the computer screen, the show finally opened on April 28. I prayed a rosary every day before tech rehearsal that week and before opening that night. I prayed that my show would touch someone's heart. I never properly expressed that this show was my story - it was the story of a mother being diagnosed with breast cancer and how this group of women came together and coped with it all. The main plot line is about the mother's relationship with her youngest daughter, Jenny. Jenny applies to colleges behind her mother's back, wanting to get away from home. When she finds out her mother has cancer, she is faced with the decision of whether or not to leave when it's what she's always wanted. She decides to stay, until her mother realizes she needs to allow her daughter to grow up and live her life. The show ends with Jenny's decision to leave, but the women join together and sing "I Will Never Leave You," a song that talks about how we as women will always be together, even if that does not mean being physically in the same place.



A few weeks before the show opened, a student of mine (who we will call John) approached me and asked for prayers as his mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. He had no idea that my show was about breast cancer. I was already so humbled by the reminder that I was writing something that had the potential to touch people because breast cancer has affected so many people's lives. So I shared with him what my show was about and that I truly hoped he would come see it if he could. He not only came to see it, he brought his mom along with him. After the show, he came to me with tears in his eyes, thanking me for writing his story. I was blown away. His mom also thanked me, saying she felt like someone had taken her heart and put it up on stage. That day, John had committed to the college of his choice, knowing he would have to leave his mom while she was going through chemotherapy. Just like Jenny in my show. Talking to both of them was the answer to every single one of my prayers - I felt like in that moment, I knew exactly why God wanted me to write that show. Even if it was ONLY for the two of them, that was absolutely enough.

For weeks, I heard more and more stories about people feeling they had watched their own story on stage. I still can't believe it.. It is incredibly humbling when God uses us for His work - something that is SO much bigger than us. I am still so humbled that he chose to use me. There truly are no words to express the entire experience. The most important thing I gained from it was this constant sense of GRATITUDE. I woke up every morning and went to bed every single night feeling grateful that I was chosen to work on such a special project. I was grateful for a job that allowed me the opportunity to do an original show. I was grateful, most of all, that I had so many people helping me with the project. It astounded me how many people were willing to help me when I asked. I had a cast of four, but a crew of about 30 people who made my show happen. There are countless stories that would take forever to tell of people dropping everything for the week of my show to help me and make my show go smoothly.

All in all, I am a very blessed woman to have had this opportunity. God never ceases to humble me. I will continue to do all I can do to remain His faithful servant and to try and follow where He leads.

Never Alone

It's been a while since I've updated... it's kind of hard to follow up a post that is so heavy and full of emotion. Spiritual moments like that are fleeting and rare, which is part of what makes them so beautiful. It's hard to follow it up with a "this is what I'm up to" post, but that's just reality.

So I'm back to tell you what is going on in my life and where I'm at right now.

We were unfortunately denied the rights to The Marvelous Wonderettes, so we had to switch gears really quickly. To make a long story short, we settled on me creating my own show instead. This is an idea I had last year, although my boss was quick to reject the idea when I initially presented it. I don't blame him, doing an original project is risky and may not make as much money as a title people have heard of.

I felt like God had basically shut the door for now, even though it was something I was really passionate about.

Well, the door has flung wide open and I am overwhelmed by the opportunity. Stressed does not even begin to cover how I feel about the project... it is so much work, and we open on the 28th (yes...count it...25 days from today.) And I haven't even written all the dialogue yet. But it's happening, and the girls are incredible and I am so excited to present this piece that I've been pouring my heart into.

Just a little preview:

The show is called Never Alone and it's about four women dealing with life together. They are faced with challenges, falling in love, celebrations, questions about where to go next...and ultimately, the show is about how they help each other through all of it. I've been passionate about this as the oldest of three girls and since I graduated from an all-girl high school where I believe I truly learned what it means to be a woman. I have been blessed with a life that has shown me repeatedly how amazing women can be when we come together and uphold one another's hearts. I want to pass that along in whatever way I can...what better way to start than to create a show about it.

I am so terrified but so excited and so humbled to have this opportunity. I can only hope it goes well and that someone might be touched by it.

If you'd like to come see it, the shows are April 28 at 7 pm, and April 30 at 2 pm and 7 pm. More details to come.

Other than that, I am on spring break and reeling from the past few weeks. I have been writing non-stop, rehearsing non-stop, while still working on West Side Story, which is simply a beast of a show. Hands down it is the hardest show I have ever worked on and it's overwhelming every day. I'm sure it will come together, but it's such a challenge.

I do love my job more and more every day, and I consider myself incredibly blessed. God is so good.

I'll update again soon, but for now, keep me and my show in your prayers!

Complete Candor.

I have always been an open book about my struggle with depression and anxiety. I struggle every single day with lies that permeate my every thought telling me that I am worthless. That I am ugly. That I am mean. That I have no friends, that I am alone, that I am not talented. It is the ugliest part of me, yet somehow I have allowed it to become the loudest. I have struggled with this for almost ten years, and I have been in therapy and have spent years working on myself and my issues.

But right now...God is just working on my heart in a way that makes it feel like it is completely ripping apart...in the most beautiful way. My heart, my wounded, aching heart, is falling apart and crumbling away to make way for a new one. A new one that is huge and full and ready to accept God's love.

God gave me the grace of feeling His love tonight. Not just knowing it was there. My heart almost can't take the feeling...His love is bigger than anything our human brains can wrap around, and my heart is throbbing with this experience of Love that is unlike any other.

When I feel the lies beginning to take over and I start feeling this emptiness...an emptiness that I feel will be filled with people's approval, their love, their friendship...I realize it is only in asking God to fill that void does it actually begin to heal. That is when the lies begin to quiet themselves and the Truth shines through.

I was driving home today, doubting every moment of my day. Did I sound stupid there? Did I overwhelm him? Did she think I was crazy? They must think I'm full of myself. That was such an ugly moment. Why did I say that? I really need to work on my pride. Am I crazy? Am I just insecure? I am an ugly person. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that.

Literally analyzing every moment of interaction with every individual, wondering if I said the right thing, if I did the right thing.

And I stopped myself mid-tailspin, just asking the Lord to take these lies away and fill my heart with the Truth.

And THIS is the truth.

I am LOVED. By the Creator of the universe. By the One who put me on this earth. The One who knows me, every piece of me. He loves ME. Every ounce of beautiful, ugly, struggling, joyful, faithful, sinful ME.

He is jealous for me.
loves like a hurricane, i am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and i realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.
and oh, how He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He loves us.
and we are His portion and He is our prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way
He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He LOVES us.

The Lord fills every moment with grace if we are open to it. Because He LOVES us.

We suffer and we struggle and we sin so that we would NEED grace. And God is there pouring it out every moment of every day, reminding us that He is standing with us, kissing us on the forehead, walking through every trial with us. He is carrying His cross while we carry ours.

We MUST carry our cross in order to experience grace. We wouldn't NEED grace if we didn't sin and if we didn't suffer.

So for the first time in my life, I accept my suffering and I accept my struggle as my cross.

It then becomes my path to grace.

A New Personal Record

I am officially working on three musicals at once.

When I was a little girl dreaming of doing musical theatre, I had no idea that my life would take me on a path where I would be able to work on multiple shows at once like this. I also didn't think I'd be music directing, directing, playing piano, or conducting.

(The secret is that if you do all those things, you get to be involved in musical theatre way more than if you only want to be on stage.)

I am just blessed that every day my work is filled with music. Every day of my life is about making music. How could I ever complain?

As I'm directing The Marvelous Wonderettes and music directing West Side Story, I got a call from my professor at UCI, Dennis, asking me to become a pit singer for CATS that's in the middle of its run at Musical Theatre West. The show opened last weekend but one of the singers got sick so he needed someone to learn the score in a day. I was very flattered that he called me so I of course said yes. It was such a fun challenge for me to have NEVER heard this music before, get the music in the morning and perform it at night. I LOVE it. Call me crazy. But the challenge totally excites me.

And it really was a blast just to sing. No one can see me, I'm wearing all black hiding in the orchestra pit. But it doesn't matter. I get to sing and make music and do what I love.

So I will enjoy the challenge of the next 2 weeks of working on 3 shows at once. Now I just have to cope with the exhaustion... But it's totally worth it.

The Lists Are UP...

I guess I'm officially a director. My show has been cast...and for the first time ever, I had to cast it. I don't have a director to answer to, or to pass off the final decisions to. It's all me. It's a weird feeling, and I hate hurting the kids who don't get the roles they want more than anything.

But when they DO get the part they want...the looks on their faces are better than anything I could ever put into words. Teenagers want to be grown ups so badly, but in the moment where they find out that they get the role they've always wanted...the child in them comes out and it's such a priceless moment. The pure joy is overwhelming and it's such an honor to get to experience that with my students. Especially when the joy is intertwined with complete shock and humility. It is humbling for me to watch my students learn and grow and achieve what they've been working towards for years. Goodness, can I say I love my job ENOUGH? I am so, so, so blessed.

I have never felt more myself...more at home and closer to God...than when I am with my students. Connecting with them, teaching them, learning from them, creating art with them. They are my joy and have taught me so much about perseverance, patience, hope, and unconditional love.

God is so good.

It is amazing to be writing this and feeling this excitement especially after the months I just went through, experiencing some of the biggest struggles of my life. We must endure those times to make these so poignant and beautiful. I love my kids. I love that they stood by me during the most difficult time of my life and loved me anyway. I love that they got to watch me grow up. Really grow up. I love that they made me laugh every day, even when all I wanted to do was cry. I love that they waited for me to get through it with patience, even though they couldn't understand. And I love that I am back. That God has brought me back to life, and that my students are still here, loving me more than ever. And ready to just experience joy together again.

It's time to make some art. These shows are going to be phenomenal...I can't wait to start. I haven't been this excited in a very, very long time.

I'm back. Thank GOD.

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart! and never forget, that until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: wait and hope."
--Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

The Other Side.

I really can't believe that college was almost two years ago....auditioning like crazy and always worrying so much about what my teachers were thinking. Was the show pre-cast? Did they have any expectations about what kind of song I should sing? What would they think if I picked the wrong song? What were they thinking while I was singing?

I can't answer any of those questions for my teachers, but I'm on the other side of the table now and I know how difficult that side can be.

I completely understand the nerves and the stress that auditions bring. I've been through so many. I just know now that I want all my students to do their best, and to have fun, and I want to see them excel. It is so strange that the power is placed in Brittany's and my hands and that they get nervous to sing in front of us. They are my babies and I just want them to have fun.

So...here we go, my 6th show at SOCSA...West Side Story is going to be quite the adventure. I am still learning how to play it on the piano so this should be very interesting. (It is literally the hardest score I have ever seen.)

I'm also directing my first show ever, The Marvelous Wonderettes. I am so excited to be gaining more responsibility and to finally be directing. It's something I've wanted to try forever and I finally get my chance. Here's to a new semester...I can't wait to see what we all learn.

i who have died am alive again today

I love being reminded of how much I adore being a teacher.

I found two audition songs for one of my students the other day that I was really excited about, but I had no idea how she would react. I got a text from her today exclaiming that these songs encompass exactly who she is and she couldn't be more excited to sing them. That made my whole day.

I love that one of my biggest (yet simplest) joys is helping my students discover new art and embrace it and make it their own. I love it so much.

In other news, I just got home from my huge trip to New York and Pennsylvania. I had some time off work so I took time off of my private voice lessons and went back east to visit my friends and family.

I have between 20 and 30 friends in New York now (no exaggeration) because they all moved to pursue their musical theatre dreams. I could not possibly be prouder of all of them and how hard they are working. It's been a big struggle for me, though, being the only one who stayed in California. I wondered at times if I was supposed to move, too, and if I was just too afraid to leave everything behind to pursue the dream I had for years.

I prayed repeatedly before I left that God would show me His plan...His desires for me. I wanted to know if New York was where I belonged or not. And He answered my prayer.

I am supposed to be here. California is where I belong, with my family and my students and a life that God has built for me that I am so blessed to have. It astounds me every day just how blessed I am and how full God has made my life.

Being in New York made me realize that I am not giving up my dreams...my dreams simply changed. And that's okay.

I have experienced this incredible sense of freedom since this trip - a freedom of knowing that God has a plan for me and it's okay that the plan does not include New York. I finally have this sense of peace about where I am in life and where God is leading me.

What a beautiful reminder to trust after going through such a difficult period of growing up. I am so grateful.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

I who have died am alive again today.

This is the birth day of life and love and wings.

Now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened.

I thank You, God, for most this amazing day.

Time for more.

My passion lies in teaching. I never would have known that I would be a good teacher, or that I would love it. But God put my students in my path and I fell madly in love with them. My uncle said the other day that if you start working with kids you realize nothing else could ever be as fulfilling. And it's true. Seeing the light bulb go on for a child - for your student - knowing that I helped them learn and grow has created a deeper joy in my spirit than I could have ever imagined.

But God puts desires in our hearts for a reason and I feel him tugging on my heartstrings to do more.

To sing.

I have spent years teaching other people to sing, and now God is telling me it's my turn. I feel it in the deepest part of my spirit, that this is what I am meant to do.

The hardest part, or the scariest part, is having no idea how. What the first step is.

But I just have to try. It's time to start.

The beautiful part is that I have my students, my job that I love, an amazing home to live in, and people to support the journey I want to embark on. I have everything I need... now it's time to take the next step.