God has been doing some funny things in my life lately. I always laughed at everyone who said "You learn SO much about yourself in your 20s" and "You change SO much during your 20s"... I guess I was one of those teenagers who thought I knew it all. Well, I'm not laughing at them anymore. I am one of them. I'm turning 24 in a few weeks and the person I am today compared to the person I was not even a year ago is INCREDIBLY different. I mean, beyond explanation. And I know that the person I will continue to become over the next few years is going to be constantly growing.
But let's be real. That's too big of a topic to even try to tackle in one blog. I will just try to compartmentalize a little bit so you can all catch up.
I met someone this summer. I was about to say "I won't get into too many details, blogs aren't the place to post about such personal things." Then I realized I've been incredibly candid about everything else, particularly my depression. I guess this has to do with another person, who I'd rather not read about all my feelings on my blog, so I'll keep it kind of short for his sake.
The fact is, I met someone who I thought was absolutely wonderful and he is no longer part of my life. We talked for two months, but nearing the end of those two months, I felt God pulling me away. Maybe he was experiencing the same thing, I don't really know. But we decided a friendship would be better for us than a relationship, although over the last few months that friendship has come to a halt as well.
Anyway, I'll leave it at that. The point being, God took him out of my life and it then became my goal to figure out why. Why did I meet him in the first place? Why did I put so much hope into this one person? Why is it so hard to let go?
I then started reading a book Abandonment to Divine Providence, hoping it would give me some insight and clarity about what God was doing, or at least how I could move on. I am still absorbing this book... it's an incredibly thick read (although it's a tiny little book). It's full of wisdom and spirituality that I am still learning from every day. There is one quotation that I say to myself every single day --
"What God chooses for us to experience at each moment is the best and holiest thing that could happen to us."
No matter what is happening... whether it's something that makes my heart ache, or something that makes me smile, even if it's just a voice lesson that is feeling a little too long... I remind myself that I am here, in this moment, on purpose. And if I allow that moment to just happen because it is what God deigns is best - THAT is the path to holiness, to fullness, to joy.
So I let go. It is the first time in my life that "living in the present moment" made sense to me. Everyone always says that. "Live in the moment," "the present is a gift, that's why they call it the present", etc and so forth. But from the perspective of God? I had never thought of it that way. Living in the present moment is the best and truest path to holiness - because the truth is, God is communicating to us NOW. When we can clouded with thoughts of, "Why did that happen to me?" "What is going to happen tomorrow?" "Will this ever stop hurting?", we miss what God is trying to communicate to us at that very moment.
The truth is, there are days where I still hurt over this situation. I wish I didn't. Some days I feel crazy that it (he) has affected me so deeply. But this is where God wants me to be. I have to walk through this step by step, because God is pouring His grace over me in each and every single moment. Every tear I shed is on purpose, every night that I can't sleep is because God wants me there. And the truth is, I am having to rely on Him so much more as I walk through this pain. And that is an absolutely beautiful thing - to lean on Him so heavily and know that He is carrying me.
And the other beautiful thing is that God does take away. He does it deliberately and it is painful and confusing. But I know He takes away so that He can make sacred space. Space for HIM to come in and move and live and dwell within us.
After I lost this "someone," I knew God was making space. And He has filled that space with such beauty and grace and joy.
I signed up for some dance classes after all this happened, simply to do something "for myself." I've never done that before, so I thought it was time to do something that was just for me, because I felt like it.
---------------------------------------
Jan. 31 2013:
I just found this blog post in my drafts of my blog. I wish I had finished it and published it. I do know that what I was going to express was that these dance classes were bringing me so much joy. It's so crazy to read this over a year later and know that those classes literally changed my life. I met my African dance family because of all of this - because I was in pain and looking for something to do just for me. I made so many new friends - really, a new family - where I was safe and loved and treasured, and I could just dance my face off. What an incredible gift. Wow. God really is amazing. What a beautiful post to re-visit and remember that God is always working, right now, in the present moment. Amazing. Also amazing that God was making space for John Paul who came into my life so shortly after this. What a gift.
No comments:
Post a Comment