Complete Candor.

I have always been an open book about my struggle with depression and anxiety. I struggle every single day with lies that permeate my every thought telling me that I am worthless. That I am ugly. That I am mean. That I have no friends, that I am alone, that I am not talented. It is the ugliest part of me, yet somehow I have allowed it to become the loudest. I have struggled with this for almost ten years, and I have been in therapy and have spent years working on myself and my issues.

But right now...God is just working on my heart in a way that makes it feel like it is completely ripping apart...in the most beautiful way. My heart, my wounded, aching heart, is falling apart and crumbling away to make way for a new one. A new one that is huge and full and ready to accept God's love.

God gave me the grace of feeling His love tonight. Not just knowing it was there. My heart almost can't take the feeling...His love is bigger than anything our human brains can wrap around, and my heart is throbbing with this experience of Love that is unlike any other.

When I feel the lies beginning to take over and I start feeling this emptiness...an emptiness that I feel will be filled with people's approval, their love, their friendship...I realize it is only in asking God to fill that void does it actually begin to heal. That is when the lies begin to quiet themselves and the Truth shines through.

I was driving home today, doubting every moment of my day. Did I sound stupid there? Did I overwhelm him? Did she think I was crazy? They must think I'm full of myself. That was such an ugly moment. Why did I say that? I really need to work on my pride. Am I crazy? Am I just insecure? I am an ugly person. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that.

Literally analyzing every moment of interaction with every individual, wondering if I said the right thing, if I did the right thing.

And I stopped myself mid-tailspin, just asking the Lord to take these lies away and fill my heart with the Truth.

And THIS is the truth.

I am LOVED. By the Creator of the universe. By the One who put me on this earth. The One who knows me, every piece of me. He loves ME. Every ounce of beautiful, ugly, struggling, joyful, faithful, sinful ME.

He is jealous for me.
loves like a hurricane, i am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and i realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.
and oh, how He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He loves us.
and we are His portion and He is our prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
i don't have time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way
He loves us. oh, how He loves us.
how He LOVES us.

The Lord fills every moment with grace if we are open to it. Because He LOVES us.

We suffer and we struggle and we sin so that we would NEED grace. And God is there pouring it out every moment of every day, reminding us that He is standing with us, kissing us on the forehead, walking through every trial with us. He is carrying His cross while we carry ours.

We MUST carry our cross in order to experience grace. We wouldn't NEED grace if we didn't sin and if we didn't suffer.

So for the first time in my life, I accept my suffering and I accept my struggle as my cross.

It then becomes my path to grace.